I had such a good visit with the breast doctor today!

I went to see Dr L. today for a follow up and a sonogram.  Three great things happened today:

1.) My genetic testing for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene - for breast and ovarian cancer came back negative!  So the women in this family are safe - sort of.

2.) My tumor that was in my breast has gone away after just three rounds of chemo!  Of course this doesn't change our plans for a mastectomy in 3 months, but it gives me hope to know that things are progressing the right way and that we got this under control.

3.)  I made an appointment in a few weeks to consult with Dr. L. and a plastic surgeon to discuss and plan my mastectomy and reconstruction.  I have so many questions about the surgery and what it will take to get me through it, so I'm glad I finally have a time slot set aside for me to get my answers.  I feel like things are finally moving forward....

I had to be working in, so I waited over an hour before I was brought back into the sonogram room. It was a long wait, but I was glad to finally get my few minutes with Dr. L., instead of just be ushered in and out. This ball just has to keep on rolling!

I haven't had a chance to post - but I had a wonderful experience this week at a local fundraiser.

On Sunday I visited New Life Baptist Church for a fundraiser spaghetti dinner for me.  I was very excited about it.  While the women's ministry provided the main course food,while me and my family made several desserts.  I made a jello!  lol

When I arrived, I was greeted and welcomed by several members and the pastor.  The service began normally and I enjoyed the music an the speakers.  When the pastor asked me to come to the front and say a few words, I was so nervous!  I hadn't been able to 'officially' prepare a speech because I wasn't sure what to say.  And we all know me - sometimes I can be pretty blunt and just say what I'm thinking, which often comes out wrong or misunderstood.

When I went to the front, the words just started to flow.  I spoke of how my cancer journey started 17 years ago and how I came through it with gratitude and a sense of charity toward others.  I don't want to seem like I'm bragging or full of myself, but I spoke of how it is hard for me usually being the one who normally gives and helps others - and now I'm the one receiving the help and charity.  It's and odd experience for me, and sometimes I don't know how to humbly accept help and properly show my own gratitude.  I remembered my friend's, Miss V, quote about letting people be a blessing for you, and have kept that with me during this whole experience.  I wrapped up my 'speech' by thanking the church for their awesome service for the day and asking them to always be hospitable.  The service continued and we wrapped things up with a message and a few mores songs.

Now it was time for the food!  There was a long row of pans of spaghetti, lasagna, pasta salads and breads.  It was all delicious!  I was a week past chemo, so I wasn't feeling so great, but I was able to try a little bit of everything.  I even had some of the desserts!

The dinner was by donation, so periodically one of the ladies would bring me the cash collected in the bins.  I was amazed at how much she was bringing me - an it kept growing.  I never expected so much generosity from everyone and was actually growing speechless.  At the same time, many people are leaving and are saying goo-bye an thanking me for coming.  As we began to clean up and wrap up, the women came to me with one last donation, which completely blew me out of the water!  By the end of the day, I was so overwhelmed by everyone's donations, of both their money an their time.  I'm sending out a thank you note this week, but it somehow doesn't seem like enough. 

A huge thank you to New Life Baptist Church and for their awesome congregation! 

It's Day 5 past my third chemo round.  Even as I sit here an type, I'm already exhausted and want to do nothing more than go back to bed.

Monday was chemo day.  Although I arrived to my appointment on time, the doctor was running behind, so we had to wait.  When I finally got to see him, we talked about my progress and what kind of symptoms I was/was not having.  He told me that I was looking good for someone on chemo and seemed to be tolerating the treatment very well.  Yay me!  I only have three more rounds of chemo to do - and then it's off to the mastectomy...

As I went downstairs to start chemo, my Aunt and Uncle joined me for the ride - the long boring ride of infusion :-P  It was a late start down there too, since the tech hadn't mixed my chemo yet and forgot to draw labs before starting.  But once everything got underway, it was smooth sailing for the next 5 hours.  By the time we left, I was starving so I admit I was bad - by the time we got to my cousin's house for the night, I dove right into dinner and forgot to check my sugars.  Needless to say I was up until 1am with the Dr trying to get my numbers back under control.  Was that burger really worth it?  Ok yes it was.

The next day I got my WBC shot and headed home.  Since then, I have spent my time either laying in my recliner or making myself find something to eat.  I hate that I feel hungry, but nothing sounds good to eat.  I keep thinking how great some of my favorite foods sound, like spaghetti, fried chicken or even waffles,but then the thought of making them/coking them seems overwhelming and I usually give up before I start.  In the meantime, I sit in my recliner and stare at the ceiling or the TV.  I know it's overrated to say that I'm tired - I mean everyone is tired right? - but I'm that type of tired that I can't even figure out what I'm too tired for.  I'm to exhausted to sleep (if that makes sense), I'm too tired to clean or organize, I'm even too tired to lift up my knitting needles or crochet hooks and craft something.  It just takes too much energy.

So I've taken the last two days off work and don't seem to feel any better.  Part of me says to stay home another day, but I don't think that will make much difference.  It's time for me to get back out there - and save what vacation hours I do have left.  I'm so hungry for lunch - but don't know if I have the effort to make anything....

Today has filled me with so much emotion and gratitude - I don't even know where to start!

Today my family held a fundraiser garage sale for me and my medical expenses.  They have been gathering donations for weeks now and found a local church that allowed us to use their parking lot.

The day of the sale, I was only able to attend for a few hours since I had to work, but I couldn't believe how great it turned out and how many people were lining up to shop!  I got to visit with friends and family while hearing good wishes from shoppers.

Although I had to leave early, I know my family stayed and worked hard all day in the heat to sell items such as clothes, housewares, knick knacks and even raffle tickets.

Although I don't have the total from the day, I am still so grateful for everyone's effort and hard work.  I can't say enough how grateful I am for them and how humble I feel to have everyone o something like this for me.

Denied.

Unqualified.

Ineligible.

Turned down.

Rejected.

I'm sure there are many more ways to say it, but the hurt is always the same.  As I've said before, I'm too poor to have cancer, but apparently I'm too rich to qualify for any type of financial aid or assistance programs.  I feel like I've spent hours upon hours filling out paperwork, submitting forms and paycheck stubs, doctor letters and even doctor recommendations, but it has yet to bring about any help.

I don't qualify because I don't have children, or because I make too much money on my own, or because I actually have health insurance, or because I'm working too many hours.  I work my butt off to ensure that I don't have to depend on others and to show I can be independent when I need to be.  But I've been knocked down, and I'm begging for help, only to be told my once strong characteristics are the very reason I don't deserve it.

I try to tell myself I can do this and I can make it through.  After all, every program out there is telling me to do it on my own.