Tuesday I spent another day in Dallas.

First, I was squeezed in to see my diabetes doctor, DR. B.  My sugars have been running high since my surgery, and I feel like I've tried everything to fix the problem myself.  I've changed my diet, added more Humalog and even started taking Magnesium and Cinnamon supplements - but nothing worked!  Dr. B. took one look at my chart of readings and said - "You need more Lantus at night".  Ugh!  So he simply ordered me more insulin and told me to take some extra with dinner.  Is that all??
He gave me my 'homework' and told me to check back in within 2 weeks.  I was so worried he was going to yell at me or look at me like a bad diabetes patient, but he kind of laughed at me a little and treated it like a little bump in the road.  Phew!
The only scary part is that since he increased my insulin, I can no longer use the pre-filled pens - I have to go to the traditional needle/syringe with the insulin vials.  I need help! :-(

Before heading out I had an appointment with Dr. A. again.  I sensed he was in a hurry, so he came in and checked both my wounds and re-bandaged them.  The right side is almost completely healed, except for one stubborn little spot that just won't go without a fight.  Ugh.  The right side is still looking bad, but it is steadily and consistently improving every time he looks at it.  He was happy with the progress the wounds are making, but he did say he wants to wait another week before pumping me up another time.  So of course, Dr. A. requested to see me again next week and will hopefully pump me up then.  Again, while I know the expansion will hurt like crazy and make me cry like a little girl, I always look forward to it because not only does it signal some form of progress, but it works to make me feel like I'm becoming a little more normal.  Well, normal as I can be.

So ready to keep moving forward!  Gotta get these bad boys pumped before the winter!

Today has been a long and busy day in Dallas!

My first appointment of the day was to see Dr. S. before my next Herceptin infusion.  Dr. S. always makes me feel like the most special patient in the entire clinic.  He immediately came in and was eager to hug me, and then he proceeds to tell me how brave I am and how strong I am.  He compliments me on how well I've handled treatment and how he says I don't let it define me or break me.  I couldn't help but blush as he says all this to me.  I am almost speechless as he says such nice things and continues to hug me.  It was like he was ecstatic just to have me in the clinic today - alive and well.  But I mostly valued how he sat with me today and listened to my fears about the breast cancer coming back and talked with me about it.  He told me how my likeliness of relapse is very low based on all my tests and treatment successes and of course they will keep an eye on me for the next several years.  He gave me a clean check-up and sent me downstairs for my infusion.

My next appointment was with Dr. L. for another follow up.  She tested my reflexes and my stretching to make sure I have full range of motion again.  She said she was very pleased with how I am healing and is very glad at how I am handling recovery.  Dr. L. also talked to me about my fears of relapse and how I was panicking myself.  I always love how she leaves my room with a smile - like our journey is going down the right path and the outlook is looking good.

My last appointment was with the ever-so-handsome Dr. A.for a final check up of the day.  We talked about the BABC party this past weekend and I plan to send him all the pictures I took from the event.  He took a look at my incisions and is very happy with the slow progress they are making.  He even cut some of the necrosis away while I was in clinic today, so I know that will help speed things along.  I was glad to hear positive reports - whoot whoot - and hear him compliment how well I'm caring for the wounds.  Go me!  Although he says things are healing nicely, he still wants to see me next week, at which time he will pump these bad boys up again!  I'm excited for the expansion, not eager about the pain to come with it.
He used the word 'fondled' today.  I couldn't help but crack up - just the way he said it.

The only part of my day that drug me down was the talk of money.  In two different offices today, I was approached, or rather cornered, by the financial counselors.  They both wanted money, which I don't have.  Jeremy is started work in the next few weeks, so I'll have a better idea of my finances by then, but they kept wanting answers now.  They want me to commit to a payment plan or some kind of auto-draft.  They keep stressing that the amount should be paid in full over the next year to 18 months.  But if there's nothing to draft or send, what do they want me to do?  It's not like I'm sitting on a pile of cash and am just refusing to give it to them?  One of the counselors kept stressing to me that the accounts were over 6 months old.  Am I stupid when I reply with 'So what?'?  I'm going to be receiving treatment at these offices for at least the next year.  The amount I'm going to owe them is going to go up.  What does it matter if it is paid now?  Or at a later date - when I actually have money?  I don't like being rude or hostile to people, but by the end of the day I was ready to snap at someone if they asked for another penny.  I know  I owe money- I'm in debt to the clinic.  But even student loans get a 6 month grace period once you graduate before they are due.  I swear I'm not going to take the clinics services and then run off into oblivion.  I will pay what I owe - I just need time to finish fighting first.

For the past two days, I think I've sunk into a pit of depression.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I felt like I fell into it and am just trying to climb back out.

Ever since the party, I've felt down about myself, and things in my life.  I'm always battling the insurance company, who has denied almost $10,000 worth of services that I am still arguing about.  Jeremy starts work next week, so that means the paycheck is two weeks away - which makes every bill tighter and tighter.  Jeremy will be leaving on a truck soon, which is starting to make me feel lonely even though he hasn't even left yet.  I have 4 craft fairs I need to prepare for, but have lost motivation to work on any projects.  I finally broke down when I tried to pick up my lymphedema sleeve for the painful lymphedema in my left arm after the surgery.  After waiting 3 weeks for the damn thing to come in, I find out it's not covered by insurance and I have to pay full price - which of course I don't have.

I'm also out of my hormone patches, so that could explain the excessive crying and bitchiness.  But everything seems to make me more sad and I'm finding very few things that make me smile.  Even Jeremy has tried to cheer me up but it only back fires on him.  I didn't even want to go out to eat today when Jeremy offered, which is a big thing for me!  I didn't know how to get out.

The only thing I found solace in today was when I cleared off my cluttered sewing desk and plugged in my machine.  I played some music, sewed a bag for a friend and made some calendar sets to put in my online store.  I was only in my craft room for a few hours, but by the time I finally stopped, I felt better.  I was less sad and was a lot less mopey.  The sheer joy of just sitting in my craft room, working with my hands and crafting things again just instantly lifted my mood and helped me sort out my feelings.  I haven't been able to do that since I got sick since I was always worrying about treatments, schedules, work, house cleaning and finally my surgery, which put me out for several weeks.

I'm feeling better now, but don't feel like I've climbed all the way out of the hole yet.  It's hard being the tough one and the one that always has her chin up, but I break down sometimes.  Sometimes I just get tired of trying to hold everything up and just end up letting to all fall to the ground.  I'm sure someone out there will tell me I'm over-reacting or just that I'm in an emotional stage.  I don't know anymore.  I just know I'm tired of being stressed.  I'm tired of being sad.  I'm just tired of being tired.

It's Saturday night!

Tonight we went to the Beautiful After Breast Cancer party in Dallas.  Me, Jeremy and my mom got dressed up, or as much as I could and headed out.  The dress code was cocktail attire, which I do not look good in, in my current state.  But I got as made up as I could and hoped I would fit in.  I was so wrong.

We got to the event at a snazzy Dallas hotel.  Everyone there was dressed like they were on the runway and everyone had a drink in their hand.  Jeremy and I spent most of the night just watching everyone else move around the pool and dance to the live music.  I was fun to watch my doctors get down and show themselves having a good time.  It's weird to see them in a different light, outside the office, but a great chance for some candid photos. lol

Dr. A. and Dr. L. spoke about the Beautiful After Breast Cancer Foundation and what they do.  Later there was a raffle for some paintings and Clinique services.  Before the end of the night, breast cancer patients and survivors were given some beautiful handmade jewelry made by a local artist.

The event was fun and I loved having a reason to get out of the house besides going to the doctor or the grocery store. But I felt very out of place.  I felt like the country bumpkin who came to the big city party.  Everyone there looked so great and wasn't 'lumpy' like I am.  Not to mention everyone got drunk real fast - and since Jeremy and I don't drink, it made me feel even more like an oddball.

But it was still quite a sight!  I got lots of photos and listened to the band all night.  When I got home, I washed off the make up I actually wore that night and took the cap off my head. ZZZZZZZZZZ

Well this week I’ve been back at work for a while now and I think I’m finally getting back into the swing of things.

This week I just saw Dr. A.  He said my incisions are, again, slowly coming along.  I’m starting to feel like they’ll never get back to normal and I’m gonna have to bandage my boobs for the rest of my life!  Pfft   He always compliments me on how clean I’m keeping the wounds/incisions, which makes me glad to know I’m doing something right.  He pumped a little more into each breast, so they are even and fully now – still a size B.  We talked about the Beautiful After Breast Cancer event his weekend and how I’m nervous about trying to get ‘dressed up’ for it.  I definitely need a bigger size pumped in me if I’m going to fill out any outfit I have.

My sugars have been going crazy ever since my surgery.  I’ve talked to Dr. B. a few times and he keeps making changes, but I’m still not able to get them back under the control I had before my surgery.  I haven’t changed my diet – if anything I’m eating less than I used to.  I finished all my antibiotics and I’m taking a magnesium supplement.  But they are still elevated and it’s making my A1C go up.  I love Dr. B., but I know he’ll take one look at my numbers and get on to me like a little kid.  I just can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong???

 

 

Today is the first time I have felt fear.

I read an article tonight on metastatic breast cancer and read about women who died within a few years after breast cancer and read about others who had a recurrence of breast cancer after 10 years or more.  10 or more years??!  Now my breast cancer is not metastatic - for now?  DCIS is still known to come back, but if I don't have ducts anymore for it to recur in, where will it go?  To my lungs?  To my brain?  To my bones?  Google is not your friend when you try to research these things online.

I wasn't scared when I was diagnosed with cancer a second time.  I wasn't scared when I started chemo.  Hell I wasn't even scared when I had the surgery.  I was sad.  Or worried.  Or angry.  Or frustrated.  But I wasn't afraid.  I didn't feel fear.

But tonight I do.  I feel fear setting in.

I keep wondering if I'm meant to have cancer again some time in my life.  Am I going to be one of the ones that has a relapse or recurrence?  With leukemia, I never even thought of another relapse.  Didn't even cross my mind.  But breast cancer relapse is running through my brain and it's creating all sorts of "what if" scenarios.  God seems to have such brilliant plans for my life - is he trying to tell me I'm not going to live past the age of 40?  Am I going to start waking up and thinking "This could be the day I get cancer again" or even more depressing "Is this the day I'm going to die from _______?".

So if I'm meant to relapse within so many years, I can't help but feel like wondering what the point of fighting now is.  I busted my ass to get through chemo and a double mastectomy (that has more complications through healing) - and for what?  To live in fear the rest of my life?  To keep wondering if this is finally the end?  Wondering if I finally get to be a normal person now.

Everyone thinks I'm strong and that I am so courageous.  Most of the time I can fill those shoes, and make every think I'm doing ok.  But nights like tonight - I'm not ok.  I feel like I'm crumbling into pieces and not sure how to hold myself together.  I'm so anxious about the future, but I can't afford to dwell on that right now.  And the fact that I can't dwell on it, or even talk to someone about it because they'll just tell me I'm over reacting, just makes it feel worse.

I try to suppress the fear.  I let myself feel angry.  Or sad.  Or hurt.  Or tired.  But not fear.  That's one emotion I haven't learned to control yet.

Had my weekly visit with Dr A. this week. 

Today was a brief visit since I didn't have to see anyone else this week.  Dr. A. checked my incisions and necrotic wounds.  He told me they are looking much better since we started using the burn cream and he thinks at least the right side should heal with the next week or so.  The left side had the most damage after surgery, so it has been giving us the most trouble.  But he said the necrosis is really starting to improve and he is for sure now that I will not need additional surgery to fix it.  Whoo hoo!

I think he could sense my frustration from my slow healing because he kept reassuring me that it is getting better and to keep hanging in there.  He pumped the left expander today to help fill out some of the creases still left from surgery.  I'm starting to feel like I have real/normal breasts again!

At one point he complimented me on how clean I have been keeping my wounds and making sure they don't get worse, to which he asked me if I ever thought about being a nurse.  First off - why would he be surprised that I've kept my wounds clean?  I don't want to know how many people don't keep up with their wounds and know what happens to them.  Second - HA!  I laughed and told him I think I could handle the body fluids part of the job, but that I have zero bed side manner and wouldn't last very long.  He said him and the nurse think I'm nice, but I assured them that's because they only have to see me one day a week!  I really am a nice person and I think myself to be very tolerate, but I don't do well with mean people - or even stupid questions.  I did 4 years of direct customer service for various departments and I still don't know how I made it that long without threatening to strangle someone. I don't think Dr. A. or his staff will ever have to see that side of me.

I left there feeling a little better about things knowing that I am progressing and that I'm not an oddball case that needs extra help.  I'm back and work and wearing normal clothes again.  I feel like I'm steadily working on the next step in the plan - which is to have my skin heal and get my expanders to full capacity.  Slow and steady will get her new boobs someday.....

Since I'm going back to work, I've been trying to convince myself to not wear my caps anymore.  I have some hair, only a few inches long right now.  Part of me feels like it's time to give up the caps and stop 'acting' like I'm still sick.  I mean - I've done the chemo and I've done the surgery.  When do I officially say I'm done with battling cancer - this time.

But back to my hair.  Everyone knows I don't have girly features and I don't wear make-up.  In fact, with short hair I've been told I look like 3 other MEN in my family.  I've been told I could pass for a butch lesbian.  So without my feminine hair, no breasts and overall lumpy body, we can see where my negative views and outlook come from.  But my caps can make me feel more 'pretty' and less manly - which is why I think I've become so attached to them during this whole process.  And it's making it harder to let them go.  Or am I not letting something else go?  Clinging to something else as an excuse.

Every person I know will tell me that I'm beautiful and I look great.  I know I am a beautiful person and have an outgoing personality that most people like, but it is not the same as being attractive, good-looking, or even flat out sexy.  I've turned into a shallow person - because I want my flowing dyed red hair back I want my old breasts back and I want to smile confidently again without doubting if someone is trying to analyze me or question if I am sick.

I'm one tough cookie and always try to be the strong one wherever I go.  I'm trying to be as strong as I was when I was a child with cancer; when I went everywhere without a head cover and didn't care who looked/stared/asked questions.  I've lost some of that spunk as an adult, and find myself hiding behind baggy clothes and fancy caps.  How do I get my old self back?  Am I not as bold as I was as a child?  Did I not learn anything from my first time around with cancer?