Another follow up visit this week.
On Tuesday I had two appointments in Dallas - one with Dr. A. and one with Dr. C.

Jeremy was home for an overnight stay, so he drove me.  Yay  My first appointment was with Dr. A. and when I arrived I could tell it was a busy day.  Miss C. told me he had a last minute surgery to get to, so I thought about rescheduling, but he was able to fit me in before he had to go - makes me feel special :-)  So far he seems happy with the turnout and asked if I had any problems during the healing process.  The only problem I had was getting the last of the dis-solvable stitches to finally come out, but since they were still hanging on Dr. A. just had PA pull them out while I was there.  We scheduled my next - and final - surgery for August, so the end is definitely approaching!  I'm excited to have my final boobs and recognize this is the end of this chapter of my life, but as I've said before, it's kind of bittersweet.  I always fear that when I close a chapter, that I close out the people there.  I've made such great friends through all of this mess, I don't want that to go away just because I don't have cancer anymore.

My last appointment of the day was with Dr. C.  He told me the chest CT I had in April came back clear and shows no signs of cancer regrowth.  Yay!  He also explained that with my type of breast cancer, if it's going to come back, it will most likely happen within the next 3-5 years, so he has made a plan to see me every 3-4 months for follow ups and will have various scans done 2-3 times a year.  He's ready to stand guard over me, so I'm glad he's already got a game plan going.  Dr. C. also said that the HER2 positive factor of my breast cancer is a type that can - in rare instances - spread to the brain the first time it metastasizes.  He told me to look out for signs such as recurring headaches, 'odd' behavior changes, or any general feeling of illness that isn't like me.  Yikes.  I told him I hope he wasn't going off my moods or emotions, because those seem to fly off the handle or fall apart at the drop of a hat and it's be hard to determine if it was cancer or me just being crazy.  I also told him to ignore any crazy phone calls I might make to his office where I get something like a leg cramp and I freak out that it's the cancer coming back.  I know I'll be paranoid for the next few years, so I'm trying to find the balance between bat-crap-crazy and blowing everything off.
I talked with Dr. C. about the possibility of remission and what kind of options we would look at.  He explained about the hundred of different regimens and the factors they would look at to decide what to do and so on.  I had a talk with Dr. S. about this, and I told Dr. C. that I still stand firm on doing whatever is possible to fight again if the cancer comes back.  I don't ever want to be told that there's nothing they can do and I don't want to be told to just go home and 'enjoy my time' or wait for the end.  I don't care if the regimen/medicine is experimental, harmful or simply just shitty, I want to do it.  I don't want to be given up on and I don't want him to tell me that's all there is.  He reassured me there were plenty of options available and that they had no intention of quitting on me.
On a happier note, one of my favorite oncology nurses, who was Dr. S.'s nurse and is not Dr. C.'s nurse, is pregnant!  Can't believe I didn't notice the last time I was there.  She told me the general colors of her nursery, so I'll have to whip something up before i go back in August.

I left the hospital that day feeling accomplished knowing one surgery was done (and I came out smelling like an iodine stained rose) and that my doctor had a plan to watch over me and showed no sign of giving up any time soon.  It feels weird not having to go back any time soon, but I know it'll be time to strut through the halls again soon enough.

I can do this!  I'm pretty sure....

Friday was my one week follow up after part 1 of my reconstructive surgery.

The day started with Jeremy coming home for the weekend, so he drove me to my appointment.

Actually the day started before lunch when I had a really great job interview that lasted almost two hours.  By the time I left, the interviewer offered me the job and told me to start on Monday!  Wow!  This is just what I needed after being out of work these past few weeks and finally getting cleared by the doctor to go back to work.  I guess God knew when it was the right time for me to heal and the right time to go back to work...

After that Jeremy and I drove to my post op appt with Dr. A.  When he came in the room, Dr. A. seemed to be in a good mood, which always makes me happy.  He looked me over and seems to be happy with how my reconstruction is coming along.  So far I haven't had any complications, so I'm thankful for a somewhat smooth recovery.  Although I'm disappointed that this round of lipo didn't give me a 29 inch waist, I'm just happy to have one surgery done without any major complications.  Except for all the itching the incisions are doing - which is just driving me nuts.  He then took some post op photos and talked with me a little bit about the next surgery and what it will include.  I'm really excited about the idea of having the under chin lipo included in the next surgery - just have to make sure I save up the money for it in time.  Everything is slowly coming to an end!

So Dr. A. is slowly putting me back together again.  I'm slowly getting a figure back and starting to feel normal again!  But when I'm 'normal' again, I won't be seeing some of the people that have become so important to me anymore, like Dr. C., Dr. L., Miss C and PA, and of course Dr A. and his scruffy beard and tousled hair...

It's a bittersweet thought.

I'm amazed at how many women I know with breast cancer.  And every experience and story is very different.  I love talking with them and getting their view on everything - their treatments, their feelings, their choice of medicines and even their choice of reconstruction.

When Dr. L., told me I would need a double mastectomy, I was all onboard.  I was totally fine with it because I knew insurance would cover the reconstruction, and I knew that anything she took apart from surgery, I would just get back later.  I've always been grateful to Dr. L. and Dr. A. have helped me not only get through all of this, but also help put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.  As stupid as it sounds, for me, the reconstruction process helps me get back to feeling like myself and - on a tiny level - allows me to sometime pretend in the back of my mind that maybe none of this ever happened and I'm just a normal woman with nice boobs.  But of course - that's not true.  But even after all the chemo and surgeries and scars, I know it all comes back and my few fleeting moments of ignorance are gone.

Every woman I talk to has different views on reconstruction.  Some say it's not worth it, while some say they do partial reconstruction while others - like me - go for the whole enchilada.  And of course anyone that is considering it I always recommend Dr. A.  But I recently spoke to a friend who has been a big inspiration to me and is always open to talking to me, which feels great.  I gushed to her about how excited I am about reconstructing my boobs and how great Dr. A. is and everything.  When I asked her what she was going to do, and she simply said she wanted to wait until she was comfortable with the way she was - after the surgery and after the treatments.  She told me she had to be comfortable with herself and how she was now before she decided to do anything or herself.  I admire her strength and her own self confidence, but was confused by her sentiment.

As  said, I have my selfish reasons for wanting reconstruction and love thinking of how my new body will look after a year of plain crap I had to go through.  When I came out of my mastectomy, my boobs looked like something out of Frankenstein and it took months before they started looking normal again.  When I lost my hair, I cried for weeks, always kept my head covered and only showed my bald head to like 5 people.  The whole time I knew I wasn't comfortable with the skin I was in and felt terrible at times.  And while I felt like crap and cried at the disfigured thing I felt like I had become, I knew it was all temporary.  I knew that no matter what horrible card I had been dealt now and God somehow felt I needed to handle at the time, none of it would last.  I knew that someday this would all be past me and I would get back to being the self I want to be.  So for me, choosing reconstruction and already dreaming about dying about my hair, is just something that makes me happy and makes me feel like getting through the 100-mile-journey of crap is just a bump in the road.

Besides talking about myself in this post, I am also thinking about my friend that is struggling with liking the skin she is in.  I just want to tell her - you don't have to like it.  You don't have to accept it.  You can hate it and you can wish for something better.  It's ok to hate the skin you are currently in and want to make it better.  Whether it's through surgery, diet, exercise, fancy clothes, make up or whatever.  Please don't feel like this current you is the only you can be.  

The only thing that stays the same is that everything is always changing - and that includes us.
Do what makes you happy and makes you feel like yourself again.

Part one is finally complete!

On this past Thursday, I finally had my part one of my reconstructive surgery.  In this procedure, Dr. A. lipos fat from my abdomen to implant over my current expanders.  It not only gives cushion around the expanders, but also under my now thin layer of skin over the breast.  Plus, it's working toward giving me a natural, round shape.  Whoo hoo!  Oh and I forgot to mention - he's taking out my mediport!  A huge milestone!

So I arrive at the surgery center at 6:30am - yep that's right.  I was the first patient on the list.  I've been to this outpatient surgery enter so many times, I'm surprised I don't have a permanent booth by now.  Pre-op went smoothly and I talked to Dr. A. and PA before they gave me the ok to head in.  The anesthesiologist, Dr. D. came in and waved the sleeping juice in front of me which means I was ready to go.  But since I was still awake and talking by the time they wheeled me into the OR and was in the process of strapping me to the table, I think I got an additional boost that sent me under in 2 seconds.

I woke up in post op feeling like poop.  Although I do remember my first coherent phrase was "Am I skinny yet?!"  lol  I normally have no problem coming out of anesthesia, but this time I felt like a truck ran me over.  And I had horrible nausea - which, again, I don't normally have since I've done this so many times.  On top of that, I woke up with a giant abdomen compression belt, which Dr. A. seemed to have forgotten to mention.  Then I got to argue with the nurse about her trying to push pain pills on me, while my mouth is drier than the Mojave Desert and a throat that has been scraped by a trach tube - so her solution was to force me to try and eat Saltine crackers and chug a soda.  But when I asked for sugar free gelatin instead, I sound like the crazy one.  So on top of the Valium I had in pre-op and the heavy dose of anesthesia from the surgery, she tells me to take the pain pill or I'll have to get it in a shot later.  My head was swimming and my stomach was turning, so I was in no mood to argue and I took it.  But as the pain pill made me more drowsy, I wasn't allowed to go back to sleep since my O2 was low, and the genius decided it was a great time to make me get out of bed and go to the bathroom.  Ugh  After a couple of hours in post op, I was finally able to go home.  Now that I was doped up on 3 different sets of meds, I spent the rest of the day feeling like I wanted to barf or pass out.  It wasn't until about 10pm that I felt well enough to eat a chimichanga and some cheesy rice - which felt awesome after such a crappy day!

The next day I had a follow up with Dr. A.  So we drove back to Dallas and thankfully by now I was feeling much better - just sore.  And compressed in the giant belt.  He gave me a lookover and said everything was looking fine - thank God after the problems I had after my last breast surgery - and that even though I had to keep wearing the compression belt, I don't have to wear it all the time. I think the best part was when he took off the compression belt to look at the incisions and I felt my entire body fall in relief.  He asked me how that felt and I answered "I think my inner fat girl just exploded."  Ha!  But I managed to escape without any infections or injuries this time, just some funny colored bruising and lots of steri-strips.

Now that I'm home and finally getting rest, I'm starting to feel the slow trail up to healing, such as finding all the steri-strips, washing off all the iodine stains, finally wanting food again, and of course - crazy, insane itching from my incisions.  I've been ordered lots of rest, no heavy lifting and no driving for several days.  Dr. A. has always been fond of having his patient's chauffeured around.  I got a giant gift basket from my cousin and her friends who were super generous and gave me items such as cookies, chocolate and a coloring book with markers!  I'm all set for my time off :-)

So I'm due to see Dr. A. again next Friday for another follow up.  Until then I'm supposed to just take it easy, and I'm sure I can find things to occupy my time.  As long as this compression belt doesn't get the better of me...

Oh yeah - and we'll be doing round two in about 2 months - so stay tuned!