Whoot!  Another day spent in Dallas!

I had a ot planned for today, but I've been shuffling around a lot of my appointments for the new year.  So today I kept it simply and just had my Herceptin and saw Dr. A.

I was so proud of myself!  I actually left the house on time, made quick pit stops, and made it on time to my infusion appointment.  On top of that, the pharmacy didn't have any delays processing the Herceptin, so I actually started on time!  Ha ha
Luckily the infusion is only 45 minutes, so Ihad time to relax, watch some TV and crochet some of those past due Christmas presents I was telling you about.

As an added bonus, I was actually on time to my appointment with Dr. A.!  If you know me, this is an impossible feat for some reason.  I'm almost always late for some reason of another, such as the traffic, another doctor runs late, I'm arguing with the financial lady or the Herceptin doesn't get started on time.  But not today because I was actually early!  I didn't even care that he was running behind because, again, I had projects to work on, so I welcomed the downtime.  I was even more excite when he came in and after checking me over, asked if I was up for a fill this visit.  Heck yes I was!  I told him that is the whole reason I drive all that way to Dallas- well the Herceptin is a big factor too and I have other doctor appointments, but still -  you know.
So he pumped me up another inch this time and thank God it did not hurt as much afterwards as the last pumping did.  I mean I was sore, but I didn't curse having boobs this time.  To get back to the size I want, I calculated he'll be filling them up until the end of March, which just means he is stuck with me a little longer.  I know he always tells me to be patient and to take it slow, but I always tease him that he's gotta be ready to be rid of me soon.  Not that I'm not a hoot to have around...Ha!

Before I left I got him to take some photos with me.  Since Dr. S. is leaving soon, I've decided to take photos of everyone that is taking care of me and create some sort of timeline or album of this 'journey'.  Lol maybe they won't be smiling at the end of it all?  Just kidding.
After all, my resolution this year is to get more photos of myself, so I'm going to start including those around me too.

The only disappointment to my day was that I got stuck in Dallas traffic, so I didn't get to make it to the Russell Stover's outlet before they closed.  I guess I can go another few weeks without buying any chocolate, but I hate missing the clearance on Christmas candy!  lol

I'm posting these because they're so stinking cute.  But if Dr. A. ever reads this thing and objects, I'll take them down....

I call this one the "Zoolander Face"

My showing off the new boobs he's working on for me  lol

And one for the photo albums  ^.^

Christmas was different this year.

Don't get me wrong - it was still great.  I had fun spending time with my family and cooking with my mom.  We rented a lake house in the area and Jeremy and I spent the night there.  I just felt like I didn't get to do enough for everyone this year.

My family has been very supportive of me this year and at Christmas I had hoped to be back on my feet enough to try and repay some of that back.  I had visions of great presents to get for them and foods I could cook I knew they liked.  But as December drew closer, I noticed very few presents had been bought and I was way behind on making the ones I said I would make myself.  I can't tell you how bad I felt wrapping up a fancy I.O.U. for a scarf or blanket I was still making for someone.  They laughed it off and said it was ok, but I was still disappointed in myself.  I never want my family to think I don't appreciate them in any way.  I was able to buy everything I needed to make sausage balls and trashy crackers and even a cake, so I was able to make some sort of contribution.

My family was very generous to me this Christmas.  I can't begin to describe my shock and disbelief at some of the items given to me.  I cried a few times, which totally ruined my 'bad ass tough' exterior.  I always tell myself to send thank you notes, and always try to remind myself as time goes by.  I'm sure I will remember and be able to buy stamps - in March.  Ugh.

But all in all I am thankful to celebrate another Christmas with my family and have a little bit of hair grown back to keep my head warm.  I know the new year is coming and I'm so ready for it!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sometimes I over-think things.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes it can get my hopes up.  Others times it just makes me more sad or more angry.

I’m thinking about a recent encounter I had with one of my doctors.  Now don’t get me wrong – I love all of my doctors and am eternally grateful for all the help and support they’ve given me this year.  One in particular I feel is pulling away from me, and maybe she is starting to detach herself from me.  I think that’s normal – not all doctors have a bond or relationship with their patients forever.  Sometimes I feel like when I see her lately, it’s all business and it’s no longer personal.  But I’m a big girl and can handle that.

I went for a follow up recently.  She came in and smiled and greeted me.  I’m 5 months past chemo and 3 months past mastectomy, so I feel like I’m steadily getting back to normal.  She complimented my newly growing hair and I smiled and just replied “Oh I hate it being this short.  I feel like I look like a man.”  This is what I normally say about my hair mainly because I miss the long, flowing hair I used to have.  Plus it makes me feel better to crack a joke about being manly-looking and hear the other person gush about how cute they think it looks.  But the doctor looked at me, kind of snuffed and said “Well at least you have hair!”

I don’t know what went through me at that moment, but I almost felt like she was shaming me for being unhappy about my hair.  I honestly didn’t know what to say back to her.  I just kind of laughed it off and didn’t say much else.  Was she telling me to stop complaining?  Was she trying to remind me to be grateful?  Was I acting ungrateful?

Part of me was bummed out because I felt like I’d done something wrong.  Maybe I shouldn’t have complained?  Maybe I sounded too whiny?  But as the day went on and I had more appointments to go to, I thought – Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being a little unhappy about things.  After all, I’ve just finished several huge milestones from a second type of cancer in my life.  Although I was strong enough to get through it and come out smelling somewhat like a rose, I have a right to be unhappy about the circumstances I’ve been put in – or what has come out of them.  I did my fight with chemo and a major surgery, so if I want to whine a little about missing my hair that I did not voluntarily give up, then let me be.  I have a right to some grievances after walking through hell and back this year.

Ok so it probably all sounds a little dramatic.  But I told you – I tend to over-think a lot of things.  Again, just let me have my spill and I’ll be better.  I promise.

This past Wednesday I went in for an EGD, or an upper GI scope.  I was supposed to do this months ago since the chemo has given me a lot of gastric problems, but I was dealing with other things and waited until I finally got back on feet - healthwise.

The procedure was simple enough, but I had never had one done so I wasn't totally sure what to expect.  Jeremy had finally come home off the truck the night before so I was excited to have someone else drive me up there.  Once there, I was registered and taken back to a holding area.  My heart rate and blood pressure started to go up when I knew the IV was coming.  They never access my port for some reason and they look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them some of my veins are no good.  After some negotiating with the nurse, they finally got a vein on my wrist and my anxiety was nearly gone - heck that's usually the scariest part of any procedure for me.

But then they wheeled me into the procedure room and my anxiety returned.  I was greeted by Dr. R., who I hadn't seen since before my surgery.  He is just as sweet as Dr. S. - he said hello and asked me how I was doing.  He asked how my surgery went and how I was recovering.  He finally asked if I was ready for the scope and assured me that he would take good care of me.  Dr. R. got me prepped and I saw them preparing the scope when my heart started to race.  I started to panic when one of the nurses behind me said "Here we go!".  What she meant was that she was running the anesthesi meds through my IV at that moment and I think I remember saying "Whoooo it's working", counting to 2 and was totally out.

I woke up in a recovery area where the nurse brought me water and juice.  Dr. R. came by, and I think he said everything was fine and to follow up with him in a few weeks (I say I think because I remember drifting in and out between snores, so I'm not entirely sure he wasn't a figment of my imagination).

Jeremy drove me home and I slept most of the time after that.  We managed to do a little Christmas shopping that night, but I ended up going to bed early.

Although the day started off on the wrong foot, it did have it's ups and downs before ending on a good note :-)  I spent the previous night up til late baking cookies, making trashy crackers and making gifts for the doctors, nurses and staff.  It was fun and I look forward to seeing their faces when I deliver them to the office ^.^

The day started with me being late to my first appointment.  And I spent forever circling the parking lot just searching for a space.  Ugh.  But - we move on...

My first appointment of the day was with Dr. L. for a regular follow up.  Her staff was very happy with their gifts, even if they were corny.  Dr. L. checked me over real fast and said everything was pretty much done.  I didn’t have any more complications from surgery and I won’t need any more after care.  Whoo hoo!  So I see her again in 3 months – we’re edging our way out to sporadic, but regular follow ups J

Of course before I left her office, I was cornered by the financial lady.  She informed me that between Dr. L.’s office and Dr. S.’s office, I owe about $5,000.  No I’m not making light of my debt, but considered I had 6 rounds of $20,000 chemo and a double mastectomy recently, $5,000 seems like a drop in the bucket of money they didn’t get paid.  After some haggling, I agreed to pay about $100 a month on a payment plan for the next year to help bring down the amount I owe.  I guess it’s all about that bank.

My next appointment was that afternoon was with Dr. S.  It was here I got the horrible news that this sweet old man is retiring and moving all the way to Oregon!  I wanted to cry right there in the office.  He explained that he will be here until March and then he’s joining a research team up there as well as moving closer to his family.  He kept saying how much he will me miss me and that I had to come visit some time (ha ha).  Dr. S. told me about another DR. that will take over my care, Dr. C. and that he comes highly recommended as well.  Dr. S. must have hugged me 6 times before I left. *sobs*  It’s a good thing I crocheted him a scarf as a Christmas gift since he’ll need it when he moves up north. I gave my give to his nurse and left more cookies and trashy crackers for the rest of the office.  Dr. S. said I am doing great and is pleased to see I’ve come out of chemo and everything else with little after effects.  I will keep doing the Herceptin until March and then they will schedule regular follow ups to keep an eye on me – with my new DR.
I had a long talk with Dr. S. about my fears of breast cancer coming back.  He assured me again that he’s confident in the treatment we’ve done so far, but I stressed to him that if it ever comes back, and it looks bad – to not give up on me.  I told him to tell the DR that will see me next that I don’t want to be told that’s it or that there’s nothing else we can do.  I want them to do everything possible to me – even if it means putting me through hell – because I couldn’t handle just sitting around waiting to die.  He got a little teary on me, but then told me that he would never let that happen to me and that they would always keep fighting with me.  He talked about how there’s always new therapies and treatments emerging, and new ones are available all the time for all cancers and stages.  And while he doesn’t think anything will happen after this, he will make sure that if anything does, they will be there for me and keep me going on the war path.

I made the mistake of being early to Dr. S.’s office, so the financial lady in this office cornered me too.  I explained to her that I had already set up a payment plan with Dr. L.’s office, but she told me it wasn’t enough to pay off the debt I owed.  She stressed that I needed to pay $267 a month to pay off my debt in 12-18 months.  When I asked what the rush was on paying my account, especially since I wasn’t even finished with treatment, she told me they try to collect all the money they can before the fiscal year is over.  So it all comes down to that money – because I’m so sure the hospital is doomed to go under if I don’t have the $5,000 I owe them in 12-18 months.  I didn’t meant o get rough, but I finally told her that she’ll just have to send my accounts to collections because I don’t have near the amount of money they want and I’m tired of explaining that to them and being badgered for it.  When I left the lady’s eyes were glossed over, like she might start crying.  I felt bad because I don’t like being a bitch (contrary to popular belief), but then again I wasn’t sorry because I felt like they should just let me be for now.  I was torn on how to feel at that point.

After my Herceptin infusion, my last appointment for the day was with Dr. A. – yay!  I had a few gifts for his office too, as well as more cookies and crackers.  The girl up front even started crying.  Wow Dr. A. liked his scarf too and felt the need to model it around the office while checking me over.  I was so glad to see that when I returned this time I have NO MORE necrotic skin on my incisions and everything is completely healed up!  Whoo hoo!  Dr. A. was happy with the progress too, which makes me smile more.  Aaaannnnnnndd he said we could pump up this visit!  Even though the needle always makes my heart jump out of my chest, I’m still excited to keep moving forward.  Before I leave he discusses the implant surgery with me a little more and a little bit of what to expect.  Again, I beg him to suck out my double chin while he’s in there working, but of course he just smiles at me and, like Jeremy does, tells me I look fine the way I am.  Bah.  I told him what size I wanted to be again and asked if it was possible.  He said it was doable, but it’ll take several more pumps before we get there.  He said he won’t pump me up all at once because he wants to make sure I keep coming back and don’t find another surgeon.  Hardy har har :-P   I left his office feeling so much better about my day and actually a little hopeful about the next few months.
Oh yeah and in case I forgot to mention, this is what the needle that pumps up my expanders looks like.  Scary! 

 

I felt good about how the day went, despite the bumps along the way.  I really felt in the Christmas spirit – delivering gifts, baking cookies and trashy crackers and just seeing everyone smile and say ‘oh you didn’t have to do that!’.  Lol  I haven’t lost that Christmas joy this year, despite everything that has happened.

 

That little voice inside my head is talking again.  The one that keeps saying I'm going to be one of the ones to relapse with breast cancer.  Or the type of breast cancer that moves to my liver or brain.

I have the worst luck in life.  I got cancer as a child - a rarer form of leukemia that usually hits adults.  Then I relapsed with it and had a low chance of survival.  Then, when I thought my life was in the clear and forever ridden of the word 'cancer' - I got breast cancer.  I'm not even 30 yet.

Everyone tells me to think positive.  Everyone tells me to look at the bright side.  Some of my doctors brush me off like they don't even want to think about it.  One doctor reassured me that we did a good job this time and if anything happens in the future, we'll just tackle it again in a different way.  This made me feel better because it's not the treatments I fear - it's the possibility I will run out of treatment options some day.  I'm not scared of getting cancer again and having to do chemo, or radiation or another surgery.  I know I can handle something like that again.

What scares me the most is getting cancer again and the doctor tells me that's it.  Whether it's a far stage or metastatic to a vital area - they'll just tell me there's nothing they can do.  No more treatments.  No more therapies.  No more surgeries.  They just let me die.

Of course I'm scared of dying.  What normal person isn't.  And I can't live with the thought in my head that this could be my last day on Earth.  Like if I go to sleep tonight will I wake up in the morning?  And as stupid as it sounds, it makes me depressed to think how my family would see me while I'm dying.  Mom or Jeremy would try to be strong and stay with me, but inside I know they'd be crushed and it's killing them too (in a different way).  Hell Jeremy may even break down with me - and I can't handle seeing him like that.

Ugh I know this is all just fear and speculation!  But I just want someone to say that my fears are validated, even if they are more likely unfounded.  Stop telling me to think positive or look on the bright side of things.  I did that for 17 years after leukemia and I was so sure my life was on the right track to normalcy.  I was so sure cancer was a word in my past.  But it's like God laughed at me and said 'Not today b*tch' and decided to strike me down again. 
Why do I have to do so many tests?!
Make someone else do it!

I'm gonna go eat some pizza and cry for a while.

I had such a good Dallas trip this week!

Well, the day started off kind of scary.  As Jeremy and I left Tyler at 5:30am, we drove straight through a line of sever storms that were leaving Dallas and heading to Tyler.  So although I tried to nap in the car, I kept freaking out over the high wind gusts, bright lightning and blankets of rain that was coming down.  At one point, I'm sure Jeremy was only going 45 mph on a busy highway.

But we did finally make it to Dallas in one piece!  My first stop of the day was a gastric emptying study that Dr. R. ordered.  This was the most boring test ever.  And I've had a lot of them.  First off, you have to eat a plate of radioactive eggs.  You read that right.  Eggs that have been coated in a radioactive dye they can trace through my stomach.  I've endured so much radiation over the years, I'm surprised I don't glow in the dark or morph into a super hero or crazy villain that tries to take over the world.  So the first part of the test requires to you lay on a table for 60 minutes straight while they take x-rays of my stomach.  Then, you get up and move around for an hour.  Then you come back and lay still for 1 minute to take another picture.  This process goes on for four hours.  Oh and you can't eat or drink anything until after the entire test is done.  I don't get finished until 1:45pm - and by this time I'm starving and pissy.

So my next stop is to get my Herceptin therapy.  Although they were running behind in the infusion center, I was still able to sit back in a recliner, drink some juice and a Glucerna, and finally relax after my hectic morning.  I enjoyed watching SVU on the small TV and was finally getting back into my good mood.

My final stop of the day was to see Dr. A. - Yay!  After some bumpy morning appointments I've had in the past, I was glad to see him in the afternoon because - as I predicted - he was in a much better mood and I didn't feel like he was in a rush at all.  In fact, he might have even been happy to see me  lol.  He inspected all my wounds, which he of course said are looking great and should be completely fine in a few weeks.  Then no more bandages!  Whoo hoo.  He did pump my expander up (sweet!) although it wasn't very much.  It didn't give me much volume, but it did help plump out some of the creases  I still had and helped even out some of the puckered skin on my sides, so I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I was even more excited when he told me he can fill them a couple more times and get them up to almost double their size, which is a little bigger than what I had before. Sweet!  I'll take one of my old bras  with me on my visit so we can form a plan to get them back to that size.  Once he fills them up to my liking, he said they'll have to stay in until next Spring, which gives me plenty of time to save up some paid time off at work and get myself prepared.  The implant surgery is not near as extensive as the mastectomy, but I still have to psych myself up to let someone cut open my boobs again.  AND he said when they put in the implants they will take out the mediport, which will signal the end of my treatments and officially wrap up this 'saga' in my life.  I'll probably shoot for surgery at the end of April, but I guess I can still say I'm getting new boobs for my anniversary?  lol!

It's official.  I'm sick.

I should have known the cold weather and being in a confined space of people at work would cause me to come down with something.  I started off just feeling soooooo tired and eventually got a stuffy nose and sore throat.  Then came the cough.  Then came fever. And of course all the lovely mucus set in.  I've had to call in to work for two days because I just couldn't get the energy to get out of bed and go.  Plus since I had fever, I'm not really allowed to go in and spread it to everyone else.

I had to joke that I can battle cancer just fine, but a cold is gonna bring me down?  Ugh.

I hate feeling sick.  Not to sound macho or full of myself - I just hate admitting I'm sick enough to be brought down by something and not be able to keep up my tough exterior.  I hate admitting I'm weak enough to let something like mucus get in my way.  Plus I always tell everyone else to suck it up, so why can't I?

It's really just one of those things that happen every year.  Except this year I have less immunity and already have enough healing problems to deal with.  And although I finally got my hormone patches back, I'm still on an emotional roller coaster.  So combine being sick with raging emotions - that just makes everybody miserable.

I bought some V8 - the fruity kind.  Hopefully the vitamin C will help me feel better soon.

Today has been depressing.

Well, I should back up and let you know that I have been without my hormone patch for almost two weeks now, so sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling - but it all just comes out.

The day started when I work up late and almost didn't make it out the door in time for my appt in Dallas with Dr. A.  Luckily Jeremy was driving so we made it in time.  But when I arrived, I noticed he was running behind, which doesn't bother me since I was so excited about having my wounds checked and getting my expanders pumped.  As it got closer to lunch time, Dr. A. came in and checked both my wounds.  He said the one on the right is completely healed from necrosis, so now I just have to baby the skin with Neosporin until it closes back up.  He was also very happy with how the right one is progressing and I even heard him say Wow.  ha ha
But he wasn't in the room with me for very long and he said - again - this week that he didn't want to pump the expanders and told me to come back in 2 weeks.  He says he'll do it then.  I know he wants the skin to heal and I know he will not jump into anything until he knows my scars/wounds are ready, but OMG I had all this excitement about pumping today and it was like letting all the air out of my balloon.  Is that a pun here?  Anyways.  I've noticed the last two visits I've made in the morning he seems to be rushed and in a hurry in the office, so next time I made my appt in the afternoon.  He's not getting away so easily next time...

Yes I know it doesn't seem like a big deal.  So what he was in a hurry with other patients.  So what he didn't pump you up this time.  So what if he didn't comment on my glorious new hair growing in - just kidding.  As I've said in one of my other posts, whenever we do something new, like changing a bandage regimen or pumping the expanders, it feels like progress.  It feel like healing.  It feels like moving forward.  But for the past few weeks I haven't got to do any of this.  I'm stuck in the same old bandage check - which consists of 5 minutes - and I'm not going anywhere.  Then it makes me question what am I doing wrong that I'm not in a place for 'advancement'.  What am I doing wrong that I'm not healing fast enough to be able to do anything else?  Ugh

I really wanted to find some Blue Bell ice cream in Dallas today, but I only remembered it when we were halfway home.  Jeremy took me to look at the Christmas stuff at Wal-Mart and I picked up some craft stuff for my wreaths.  It helped a little, but I still felt like I could just go home and crawl into bed until further notice.  I don't want to adult any time soon.

Tuesday I spent another day in Dallas.

First, I was squeezed in to see my diabetes doctor, DR. B.  My sugars have been running high since my surgery, and I feel like I've tried everything to fix the problem myself.  I've changed my diet, added more Humalog and even started taking Magnesium and Cinnamon supplements - but nothing worked!  Dr. B. took one look at my chart of readings and said - "You need more Lantus at night".  Ugh!  So he simply ordered me more insulin and told me to take some extra with dinner.  Is that all??
He gave me my 'homework' and told me to check back in within 2 weeks.  I was so worried he was going to yell at me or look at me like a bad diabetes patient, but he kind of laughed at me a little and treated it like a little bump in the road.  Phew!
The only scary part is that since he increased my insulin, I can no longer use the pre-filled pens - I have to go to the traditional needle/syringe with the insulin vials.  I need help! :-(

Before heading out I had an appointment with Dr. A. again.  I sensed he was in a hurry, so he came in and checked both my wounds and re-bandaged them.  The right side is almost completely healed, except for one stubborn little spot that just won't go without a fight.  Ugh.  The right side is still looking bad, but it is steadily and consistently improving every time he looks at it.  He was happy with the progress the wounds are making, but he did say he wants to wait another week before pumping me up another time.  So of course, Dr. A. requested to see me again next week and will hopefully pump me up then.  Again, while I know the expansion will hurt like crazy and make me cry like a little girl, I always look forward to it because not only does it signal some form of progress, but it works to make me feel like I'm becoming a little more normal.  Well, normal as I can be.

So ready to keep moving forward!  Gotta get these bad boys pumped before the winter!

Today has been a long and busy day in Dallas!

My first appointment of the day was to see Dr. S. before my next Herceptin infusion.  Dr. S. always makes me feel like the most special patient in the entire clinic.  He immediately came in and was eager to hug me, and then he proceeds to tell me how brave I am and how strong I am.  He compliments me on how well I've handled treatment and how he says I don't let it define me or break me.  I couldn't help but blush as he says all this to me.  I am almost speechless as he says such nice things and continues to hug me.  It was like he was ecstatic just to have me in the clinic today - alive and well.  But I mostly valued how he sat with me today and listened to my fears about the breast cancer coming back and talked with me about it.  He told me how my likeliness of relapse is very low based on all my tests and treatment successes and of course they will keep an eye on me for the next several years.  He gave me a clean check-up and sent me downstairs for my infusion.

My next appointment was with Dr. L. for another follow up.  She tested my reflexes and my stretching to make sure I have full range of motion again.  She said she was very pleased with how I am healing and is very glad at how I am handling recovery.  Dr. L. also talked to me about my fears of relapse and how I was panicking myself.  I always love how she leaves my room with a smile - like our journey is going down the right path and the outlook is looking good.

My last appointment was with the ever-so-handsome Dr. A.for a final check up of the day.  We talked about the BABC party this past weekend and I plan to send him all the pictures I took from the event.  He took a look at my incisions and is very happy with the slow progress they are making.  He even cut some of the necrosis away while I was in clinic today, so I know that will help speed things along.  I was glad to hear positive reports - whoot whoot - and hear him compliment how well I'm caring for the wounds.  Go me!  Although he says things are healing nicely, he still wants to see me next week, at which time he will pump these bad boys up again!  I'm excited for the expansion, not eager about the pain to come with it.
He used the word 'fondled' today.  I couldn't help but crack up - just the way he said it.

The only part of my day that drug me down was the talk of money.  In two different offices today, I was approached, or rather cornered, by the financial counselors.  They both wanted money, which I don't have.  Jeremy is started work in the next few weeks, so I'll have a better idea of my finances by then, but they kept wanting answers now.  They want me to commit to a payment plan or some kind of auto-draft.  They keep stressing that the amount should be paid in full over the next year to 18 months.  But if there's nothing to draft or send, what do they want me to do?  It's not like I'm sitting on a pile of cash and am just refusing to give it to them?  One of the counselors kept stressing to me that the accounts were over 6 months old.  Am I stupid when I reply with 'So what?'?  I'm going to be receiving treatment at these offices for at least the next year.  The amount I'm going to owe them is going to go up.  What does it matter if it is paid now?  Or at a later date - when I actually have money?  I don't like being rude or hostile to people, but by the end of the day I was ready to snap at someone if they asked for another penny.  I know  I owe money- I'm in debt to the clinic.  But even student loans get a 6 month grace period once you graduate before they are due.  I swear I'm not going to take the clinics services and then run off into oblivion.  I will pay what I owe - I just need time to finish fighting first.

For the past two days, I think I've sunk into a pit of depression.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I felt like I fell into it and am just trying to climb back out.

Ever since the party, I've felt down about myself, and things in my life.  I'm always battling the insurance company, who has denied almost $10,000 worth of services that I am still arguing about.  Jeremy starts work next week, so that means the paycheck is two weeks away - which makes every bill tighter and tighter.  Jeremy will be leaving on a truck soon, which is starting to make me feel lonely even though he hasn't even left yet.  I have 4 craft fairs I need to prepare for, but have lost motivation to work on any projects.  I finally broke down when I tried to pick up my lymphedema sleeve for the painful lymphedema in my left arm after the surgery.  After waiting 3 weeks for the damn thing to come in, I find out it's not covered by insurance and I have to pay full price - which of course I don't have.

I'm also out of my hormone patches, so that could explain the excessive crying and bitchiness.  But everything seems to make me more sad and I'm finding very few things that make me smile.  Even Jeremy has tried to cheer me up but it only back fires on him.  I didn't even want to go out to eat today when Jeremy offered, which is a big thing for me!  I didn't know how to get out.

The only thing I found solace in today was when I cleared off my cluttered sewing desk and plugged in my machine.  I played some music, sewed a bag for a friend and made some calendar sets to put in my online store.  I was only in my craft room for a few hours, but by the time I finally stopped, I felt better.  I was less sad and was a lot less mopey.  The sheer joy of just sitting in my craft room, working with my hands and crafting things again just instantly lifted my mood and helped me sort out my feelings.  I haven't been able to do that since I got sick since I was always worrying about treatments, schedules, work, house cleaning and finally my surgery, which put me out for several weeks.

I'm feeling better now, but don't feel like I've climbed all the way out of the hole yet.  It's hard being the tough one and the one that always has her chin up, but I break down sometimes.  Sometimes I just get tired of trying to hold everything up and just end up letting to all fall to the ground.  I'm sure someone out there will tell me I'm over-reacting or just that I'm in an emotional stage.  I don't know anymore.  I just know I'm tired of being stressed.  I'm tired of being sad.  I'm just tired of being tired.

It's Saturday night!

Tonight we went to the Beautiful After Breast Cancer party in Dallas.  Me, Jeremy and my mom got dressed up, or as much as I could and headed out.  The dress code was cocktail attire, which I do not look good in, in my current state.  But I got as made up as I could and hoped I would fit in.  I was so wrong.

We got to the event at a snazzy Dallas hotel.  Everyone there was dressed like they were on the runway and everyone had a drink in their hand.  Jeremy and I spent most of the night just watching everyone else move around the pool and dance to the live music.  I was fun to watch my doctors get down and show themselves having a good time.  It's weird to see them in a different light, outside the office, but a great chance for some candid photos. lol

Dr. A. and Dr. L. spoke about the Beautiful After Breast Cancer Foundation and what they do.  Later there was a raffle for some paintings and Clinique services.  Before the end of the night, breast cancer patients and survivors were given some beautiful handmade jewelry made by a local artist.

The event was fun and I loved having a reason to get out of the house besides going to the doctor or the grocery store. But I felt very out of place.  I felt like the country bumpkin who came to the big city party.  Everyone there looked so great and wasn't 'lumpy' like I am.  Not to mention everyone got drunk real fast - and since Jeremy and I don't drink, it made me feel even more like an oddball.

But it was still quite a sight!  I got lots of photos and listened to the band all night.  When I got home, I washed off the make up I actually wore that night and took the cap off my head. ZZZZZZZZZZ

Well this week I’ve been back at work for a while now and I think I’m finally getting back into the swing of things.

This week I just saw Dr. A.  He said my incisions are, again, slowly coming along.  I’m starting to feel like they’ll never get back to normal and I’m gonna have to bandage my boobs for the rest of my life!  Pfft   He always compliments me on how clean I’m keeping the wounds/incisions, which makes me glad to know I’m doing something right.  He pumped a little more into each breast, so they are even and fully now – still a size B.  We talked about the Beautiful After Breast Cancer event his weekend and how I’m nervous about trying to get ‘dressed up’ for it.  I definitely need a bigger size pumped in me if I’m going to fill out any outfit I have.

My sugars have been going crazy ever since my surgery.  I’ve talked to Dr. B. a few times and he keeps making changes, but I’m still not able to get them back under the control I had before my surgery.  I haven’t changed my diet – if anything I’m eating less than I used to.  I finished all my antibiotics and I’m taking a magnesium supplement.  But they are still elevated and it’s making my A1C go up.  I love Dr. B., but I know he’ll take one look at my numbers and get on to me like a little kid.  I just can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong???

 

 

Today is the first time I have felt fear.

I read an article tonight on metastatic breast cancer and read about women who died within a few years after breast cancer and read about others who had a recurrence of breast cancer after 10 years or more.  10 or more years??!  Now my breast cancer is not metastatic - for now?  DCIS is still known to come back, but if I don't have ducts anymore for it to recur in, where will it go?  To my lungs?  To my brain?  To my bones?  Google is not your friend when you try to research these things online.

I wasn't scared when I was diagnosed with cancer a second time.  I wasn't scared when I started chemo.  Hell I wasn't even scared when I had the surgery.  I was sad.  Or worried.  Or angry.  Or frustrated.  But I wasn't afraid.  I didn't feel fear.

But tonight I do.  I feel fear setting in.

I keep wondering if I'm meant to have cancer again some time in my life.  Am I going to be one of the ones that has a relapse or recurrence?  With leukemia, I never even thought of another relapse.  Didn't even cross my mind.  But breast cancer relapse is running through my brain and it's creating all sorts of "what if" scenarios.  God seems to have such brilliant plans for my life - is he trying to tell me I'm not going to live past the age of 40?  Am I going to start waking up and thinking "This could be the day I get cancer again" or even more depressing "Is this the day I'm going to die from _______?".

So if I'm meant to relapse within so many years, I can't help but feel like wondering what the point of fighting now is.  I busted my ass to get through chemo and a double mastectomy (that has more complications through healing) - and for what?  To live in fear the rest of my life?  To keep wondering if this is finally the end?  Wondering if I finally get to be a normal person now.

Everyone thinks I'm strong and that I am so courageous.  Most of the time I can fill those shoes, and make every think I'm doing ok.  But nights like tonight - I'm not ok.  I feel like I'm crumbling into pieces and not sure how to hold myself together.  I'm so anxious about the future, but I can't afford to dwell on that right now.  And the fact that I can't dwell on it, or even talk to someone about it because they'll just tell me I'm over reacting, just makes it feel worse.

I try to suppress the fear.  I let myself feel angry.  Or sad.  Or hurt.  Or tired.  But not fear.  That's one emotion I haven't learned to control yet.

Had my weekly visit with Dr A. this week. 

Today was a brief visit since I didn't have to see anyone else this week.  Dr. A. checked my incisions and necrotic wounds.  He told me they are looking much better since we started using the burn cream and he thinks at least the right side should heal with the next week or so.  The left side had the most damage after surgery, so it has been giving us the most trouble.  But he said the necrosis is really starting to improve and he is for sure now that I will not need additional surgery to fix it.  Whoo hoo!

I think he could sense my frustration from my slow healing because he kept reassuring me that it is getting better and to keep hanging in there.  He pumped the left expander today to help fill out some of the creases still left from surgery.  I'm starting to feel like I have real/normal breasts again!

At one point he complimented me on how clean I have been keeping my wounds and making sure they don't get worse, to which he asked me if I ever thought about being a nurse.  First off - why would he be surprised that I've kept my wounds clean?  I don't want to know how many people don't keep up with their wounds and know what happens to them.  Second - HA!  I laughed and told him I think I could handle the body fluids part of the job, but that I have zero bed side manner and wouldn't last very long.  He said him and the nurse think I'm nice, but I assured them that's because they only have to see me one day a week!  I really am a nice person and I think myself to be very tolerate, but I don't do well with mean people - or even stupid questions.  I did 4 years of direct customer service for various departments and I still don't know how I made it that long without threatening to strangle someone. I don't think Dr. A. or his staff will ever have to see that side of me.

I left there feeling a little better about things knowing that I am progressing and that I'm not an oddball case that needs extra help.  I'm back and work and wearing normal clothes again.  I feel like I'm steadily working on the next step in the plan - which is to have my skin heal and get my expanders to full capacity.  Slow and steady will get her new boobs someday.....

Since I'm going back to work, I've been trying to convince myself to not wear my caps anymore.  I have some hair, only a few inches long right now.  Part of me feels like it's time to give up the caps and stop 'acting' like I'm still sick.  I mean - I've done the chemo and I've done the surgery.  When do I officially say I'm done with battling cancer - this time.

But back to my hair.  Everyone knows I don't have girly features and I don't wear make-up.  In fact, with short hair I've been told I look like 3 other MEN in my family.  I've been told I could pass for a butch lesbian.  So without my feminine hair, no breasts and overall lumpy body, we can see where my negative views and outlook come from.  But my caps can make me feel more 'pretty' and less manly - which is why I think I've become so attached to them during this whole process.  And it's making it harder to let them go.  Or am I not letting something else go?  Clinging to something else as an excuse.

Every person I know will tell me that I'm beautiful and I look great.  I know I am a beautiful person and have an outgoing personality that most people like, but it is not the same as being attractive, good-looking, or even flat out sexy.  I've turned into a shallow person - because I want my flowing dyed red hair back I want my old breasts back and I want to smile confidently again without doubting if someone is trying to analyze me or question if I am sick.

I'm one tough cookie and always try to be the strong one wherever I go.  I'm trying to be as strong as I was when I was a child with cancer; when I went everywhere without a head cover and didn't care who looked/stared/asked questions.  I've lost some of that spunk as an adult, and find myself hiding behind baggy clothes and fancy caps.  How do I get my old self back?  Am I not as bold as I was as a child?  Did I not learn anything from my first time around with cancer?

I swear Dr. A. just loves seeing me every week....

So I went back this week to get my Herceptin treatment and follow up with Dr. A.  Since I had to come to Dallas today and I was still not clear to drive myself, my cousins and I decided to make a road trip out of it!

Our first stop was at the Collins Street Bakery in Hideaway Lake where I bought some bread.  Our next stop was at the Russell Stover's Outlet, where I loaded up on chocolate and got a new rewards card to start earning points again.  Whoo hoo!  And our final fun stop for the day was at the Cheesecake Factory - which I still cannot believe my cousins have never been to before considering how much they love The Big Bang Theory.  I had a very delicious chicken sandwich and then we all split like 4 different kinds of cheesecake slices.  I was so stuffed and sick by the time we left there!

So then it was on to the hospital, where I signed in for my Herceptin treatment.  This time I didn't have to see Dr S. first, but I will next time when I come back in 3 weeks.  Luckily it went by smoothly and I was in and out of there.

Then I went on to see Dr. A. and show my cousins how good looking he was.  I knew it wasn't just me - ha!  He said my incisions are looking good and my drains sites are healing as planned.  Today he expanded my expanders some more, so I now look like a small B cup.  Most of the lines and creases made during surgery are starting to fill out and I am starting to no longer look like I have Frankenstein boobs!  lol  Dr. A. said he'll expand them 4-5 more times before we get to the size I want, so I have something to look forward to :-P

I left his office feeling better about my outlook.  He keeps telling me not to give up and just be patient with my healing, but I think he senses it's taking a toll on my and my sanity. He is very encouraging and makes me feel like I could be my old self again some day - but it's getting hard to stay on the positive track sometimes.  I go back to see him next week, so I hope we continue to get good news and keep my spirits up before my birthday.

I had another follow up with Dr. A. this week.

So this week I actually stopped in for a follow up from Dr. L. first.  She was quick and didn't say much, but she told me I was healing well, but needed to be using my arms more since I don't have all of my flexibility yet.  Boo...

Then I was off to see Dr. A., who always welcomes me so openly and always makes me feel like more than just a patient.  That sounds corny but I'm glad to have a doctor like that.  So he checks all my wounds - which he still squints his eyebrows at - and says that there is still slow and steady progress.  Again, at this point he is not considering surgery or any other major procedures.  I think he's still hoping for it to heal completely on it's own and not put any more stress on my body. 
Which made me really surprised when he said he wanted to expand them again this week!  So once again he takes that giant expander needle and jams it into each breast and fills them with over 100cc of saline.  Last time it was just uncomfortable, but this time it hurt!  Although they didn't grow real big, I still felt the tight stretch of the muscles and the skin over each breast.  While I was so glad to make this next step, I was in pain all the way home and through most of today.  So of course I have mixed feelings about that process.
But the best part of the visit was that I was able to remove my drains! They've been in for over 4 weeks and have slowly began to stop draining anything.  The drains are practically ripped right out of place, so I was overly anxious about it.  As Dr. A. pulled off the tape and broke the stitches, he kind of laughed and said "Ok tell me when I can pull them" and in my state of panic I kept repeating "Just do it" without looking down at my abdomen.  But before I could even finish a thought and take a deep breath, I looked up to see Dr. A. holding the drains in his hand and looking down at my drain incision smiling away.  Apparently, I didn't even feel a thing.  Good one Dr. A.  Without my drains I feel so free to move and go and not have to wear any form of drain carrier.  My clothes fit more normally - as much as normal can be right now - and I feel like I'm over a really big hurdle in all of this!  I'm so excited!

Saw Dr L and Dr A this week again....

I had another post op follow up this week with my surgeons.  First I saw Dr. A. who checked my incisions and some of the problem areas that have not been healing very well.  The good news is that he said the affected skin area is healing - it's just healing VERY slowly.  So since the progress has been slow but steady, he is pretty sure I won't need any additional surgeries to fix it.  I'll just have to wait a little longer for them to completely heal.  The best and worst part of the visit what that he actually put some saline in my expanders - only like 100 cc- to start the expansion process.  It sucked because this required him to shove a giant needle through my breast tissue into the expander, but it's awesome because the fact that he has begun to expand them means everything is healing great! Yay!
AND he thinks next week I'll get the drains out, so I'm super excited!!

Next I saw Dr. L., who squeezed me in since she was in a hurry.  She checked my incisions too, re-checked my arms for lymphedema and tested my arms by having me stretch and move around.  She thinks everything is looking better and overall I'm healing overall.  Since I'm coming back next week to see Dr. A., she wants me to see her again to see how I'm feeling.  It's almost time for me to go back to work, so she wants to be sure I'm ready.

Score another point for me this week!

Another post op visit that put me through the wringer.

I was lucky (ha ha) enough to squeeze 3 doctor appointments into one trip today, so it's no wonder I feel like poop by the end of the day. 

My first visit was a work in with Dr. L.  I've been having some problems with my left arm after surgery, and Dr. L.'s nurse confirmed I have lymphedema in it.  Boo.  So they gave me a prescription for a compression sleeve and I'm going to look around Tyler to see who offers lymphedema therapy.

My second appointment was in Dr. S.'s office to continue my Herceptin therapy.  Whoo hoo
The office was running behind today and the pharmacy didn't have my medicine ready when I got there, so I spent a lot of time sitting around the office waiting.  But the upside is that, as an aftermath of my breast surgery, the nerve endings just under my port were cut so I didn't feel a thing when they accessed it today!  Hooray for small victories I guess.  Ha ha  So from here on out I'll continue the Herceptin therapy every 3 weeks until next March.  Then I'll be a free woman!

My last visit of the day was to Dr. A., the plastic surgeon, who graciously worked me in after being over an hour late.  Love this man - but he loves to cause me pain!  He worked on the infected incision that seems to be bleeding more and forming some blisters on the skin.  He continued to squeeze the heck out of it, then mash the expanders around so the excess fluid comes out and then compressing my sore muscles on the my sides to ensure their excess fluid is drained out.  I left there feeling 10pounds lighter since he squeezed out so much excessive wound fluid, but I am still sore as I sire here and type.  He says the excess bleeding is a good sign - in an odd way - but overall he's not happy with my skin's healing progress.  I think he'll check it for another week or two and then decide if he's gonna take me back into surgery to cut it out.  THEN maybe we can start expanding them back to normal!  Again, I feel grateful to have a doctor that not only cares about my healing, but is willing to take the time to check my wounds 1-2 times a week and work me in when I'm late.  He hasn't quite opened up to me all the way, but I think I'll crack his shell before this is all over.

I go back to Dr. L. and Dr. A. next week.  I have my fingers crossed for good news!

First post-op appointment!

I had my first post-op follow up appointments with Dr L. and Dr A. yesterday and they both went pretty well.  I saw Dr L. first after she worked me in to be seen.  She said the necrotic skin is looking better, but isn't healed all the way yet.  Other aspects, like the incisions and the muscle groups, are looking good and are only slightly bruised.  Dr L. thinks my diabetes may play a part in my slow healing, but since my numbers are under control, all we can do is wait for things to heal in their own time.  I see Dr L. again in 2 weeks for another follow up.

Next I saw Dr A. - who put me through the wringer!  Not only did he inspect and change my dressings on my incisions, but apparently he worked over the expanders that are in there right now.  Which means painfully mashing on them, pushing them and massaging them into the right space.  I swear I felt the edges of the expanders ripple and my muscles started freaking out around them.  He said one of the expanders looked too full since it was making my skin crack - so he needed to pull some air out of it.  Yes - you can imagine how that is done...  With a giant needle!  With a giant needle - similar to something used to inject flavor into steaks and meat - he pierced the expander in my left breast and 'sucked out' a large amount of air and leveling out the expander.  LUCKILY for my, many of the nerve endings in my breast are dead, so I felt minimal pain - but OMG that's so weird!

By the time I left, I feel like my breasts had been attacked and assaulted! lol So Mom bought me some ice cream and we headed home through the Dallas traffic.  Dr A. said he will see me again on Friday to ensure my incisions are healing ok.  Earlier this week I developed some blisters on the incisions that had popped and some of the skin around the incision is cracking and bleeding, so although I hate making the drive back to Dallas so soon, I'm glad I have a doctor that is taking such great care of me and is keeping a close on my health and healing.  That or he just doesn't want me calling him through the on call service again - ha ha!

Day 5 post surgery

I've been home for a few days now.  Luckily there's no major developments - I haven't had any infections or problems with the incisions.  Pain has been minimal and I'm able to empty my own wound drains just fine.  Thank God I don't have to clean any ports or incisions on my own - they'll take care of that in the office.

Each day I wake up and try to find a way to occupy my time while not straining or hurting myself.  I know I'm in recuperation mode, but I'm already beginning to feel useless in my own home.  I can't clean anything, I can't do laundry - hell I couldn't even put away the groceries someone had brought over for me.  I'm finding it hard to focus on myself and recover when I keep thinking of all the things I could/should be doing.

I guess by today the numbness/loss of feeling I felt in my breast has finally gone away,because I feel the full sensitivity/pain/tightness from the whole surgery.  My sides are sore and it hurts to even touch my arms to them.  The expanders are shifting, and they're turning my skin red and hot.  Because of this, I spent several hours last night panicking that I now had some infection, even though I didn't have a fever and I've been taking my antibiotics.  Luckily we have several nurses in the family, so they were able to check on me and talk me down from the crazy cliff.  I see both doctors this coming Tuesday, so if I can just keep myself from panicking until then, I think I'll just keep my sanity.

Day 2 post surgery

I finally went home today!  The doctors were held up in surgery and Jeremy couldn't pick me up until after work, so I hung around the hospital room for the day.  I got up and ate at my table, crocheted a little bit and walked around the floor.  After lunch, Dr A. came back and changed my bandages on my incisions and checked all my other wounds.  The skin has very little tint back into it - that's not much progress but it is some form of improvement.  Slow - but improvement.

Shortly later Dr L. came by and talked with me.  She said the final pathology from my lymph node biopsy came back and found that every bit of cancer is gone from my breast - both sides!  Nothing spread and nothing has metastasized!  Celebrate!!  No more chemo, no more surgeries and no radiation!  I just have to finish the Herceptin therapy through next March and then I am a free woman!

Dr L. explained the skin problem to me but said she doesn't see why it would hinder me getting my permanent implants down the road.  Things may be delayed, but they are not impossible.

After both doctors discharged me and Jeremy came later that afternoon to pick me up.  It turned into one of the hardest rides home.  I couldn't wear a seatbelt across my incisions, so the car kept beeping at me.  And I had to surround myself with giant pillows to elevate my arms and secure my drains.  I was so happy to finally be home and in my own recliner!

Being home after surgery is a whole different experience than being in the hospital after a surgery.  First of all, I don't have any damn diabetic restrictions so I can eat whatever the hell I want.  Plus I don't have someone checking on me every few hours, so I'm actually able to get some rest.  But on the flip side that means I have to watch myself closer and remember to take my own meds and empty my own wound drains.  And sleeping in my own bed is great, but I do miss the flexibility of the hospital beds.  Maybe I should of had the doctor write me an RX to have one at home!

Day 1 post surgery

Today it still hurts to get in and out of the bed.  I dread just going to the bathroom.  You never realize how every day movements and activities become sheer torture until you've had breast surgery.

I found out today they put me on a diabetic restriction diet when I tried to order breakfast.  Apparently the nurse forgot to give me the diabetic menu (instead gave me the no restrictions menu) and I ticked off someone in the call center by trying to order things I was not allowed to have.  Yes I am diabetic, but I've never had to restrict my food intake because I keep my numbers under control.  I hate it when doctors assign a generic diabetic regimen for patients that come into the hospital - instead of just looking at the care plan me and Dr B. made out for me.  Ugh!  I spent the rest of the day arguing with the hospitalist about how much insulin I do or do not need and to have the nurse stop pricking my damn finger so often.  The hospitalist also treated me for low magnesium and low iron, so I was put on a regimen to fix those for the next two days.

Dr L. came in very early to check on me.  She didn't stay long, but told me the surgery went well and that she would check on me again before I go home the next day.  A few hours later, Dr A. came by and inspected all my incisions and bruises.  I felt a sense of pride when he noticed a topical medication had been administered the wrong way and he was quick to get angry with one of the nurses.  I love having doctors that stick up for me and will take notice of something that anyone too-busy doctor would have overlooked.  He makes me smile!

Half way through the day, after the IV ABX and magnesium were finished, they removed the IV in my hand and I felt so much more free to move around!  I walked around the floor and ate sitting in a chair by the bed.  I was even able to shower without carrying the giant IV pole along with me.  Whoo-hoo!

By today I can feel like I'm getting better already.  I'm up moving around, I'm off the morphine pump, eating regular meals and feel a million times better after a shower.  I felt a little depressed when Jeremy had to head back to Tyler to go back to work, so I spent the rest of the night by myself.  I knew he'd be back the next day to pick me up.  Not that I got much sleep that night any way - between the nurse coming in at 3am to prick my finger and the brand new student PCA at 6am who had no idea how to take a blood pressure on the calf before...

Surgery day.

It started off by me waking up late and getting stuck in traffic on I-45 on the way to the hospital. I wonder if that was a sign from God?  Once I got to the hospital, I checked into pre-op and waiting for the doctors to arrive.  The nurse was unable to get a good, working IV, which made me more nervous - on top of being dehydrated from being NPO for too long.  My sugars were kind of high, but I had to skip my nightly insulin the night before.  Dr L. and Dr A. came into my 'pod' and discussed the surgery with me and answered any final questions I had.  Dr L. explained how they will be taking my sentinel node in both of my arm pits to see if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes or shows any signs of progression.  As if I wasn't worried enough!  But as the anesthesiologist tried to inject my sleep meds into my IV, they found it wasn't working.  So as they wheeled me back into the OR and strapped me to the table, they had to access my port.  Dr L. came into the ER, sat on a stool next to the bed and held my hand.  I told her I was freaking out and my anxiety was getting the better of me.  But she sat with me and talked with me until the anesthesiologist accessed my port and shot me full of juice.  Within 3 seconds I was out.

I woke up in recovery, which was pretty uneventful.  I remember having to stay down there longer than I needed to because they couldn't figure out how to draw labs if they weren't allowed to do a venipuncture on either arm.  I woke up again being wheeled down the halls toward my room.  When we arrived, the transporters were oh-so-amazed that I wasn't able to get into my room bed all by myself.  Only after I broke down into tears and told them I couldn't move did they finally find a way to slide me over.  So I felt pretty ashamed of myself.

The rest of the day I spent in and out of a morphine fog.  I don't like doping myself and I hate how pain medicines make me feel, but I was crying every time I got up to go to the bathroom and every time I tried to sit up in bed.  Dr A. came by later that evening to check my wounds again and talked with my family.  He told me there were some problems in the OR.  Apparently I have decreased blood flow to my breast, so a good portion of the skin in necrotic and will need extra time to heal.  He said he placed the expander in there, but I will need extra time to heal before he is ready to start pumping me up.  All we can do now is wait and see if it heals on it's own over time - but worst case scenario is that we'd have to do a skin graft.  Ouch.

My mom and my aunt were with me and Jeremy all day, but they had to head back to Tyler after the doctor checked on me.  Jeremy sat next to the bed and watched TV with me the rest of the night.  But the morphine wasn't making me much company, so I wound up falling asleep during one of the shows.  I was woken up 2 more times during the night for nurse checks and for vitals and of course, a painful trip to/from the bathroom.

Tomorrow is the big day.

Super nervous.  The last time I had surgery close to this size was in 2008 when I had the two hip surgeries.  But even those were pretty quick - I was only in the hospital for one day and went home to recover.  But this surgery will take 6-7 hours and I'll be in the hospital for 3 days. 

And the recovery is extensive - which scares me the most.  I don't know if I can handle the after-care, the follow up appointments, the medicines and the stinkin' drains!  Ugh I'm dreading the drains.  Everyone says it's nothing compared to what I've gone through before - but that doesn't make it any easier to handle.  It doesn't take away my stress or my anxiety.  Ugh.

This surgery makes everything real - I have breast cancer.  It's dangerous.  I have to work to get rid of it and make sure it doesn't come back.  It's not like a pill or chemo that you can take and over time you forget about it.  I can't hide it like I did my first cancer when people were surprised I had cancer in the first place.  This will be changed forever.  Everyone will know.  Everyone will see how it changed me.

Will I ever be seen as strong as I used to be?  Will they only pity me or feel sorry for me?
I used to be seen as a tough cookie and someone that could do anything.  But now that I have to have this surgery - am I still tough?  Still strong?  Am I still me?

Today was a whirlwind of events.  Whoo!

Today I had several appointments for my pre-op clearance for my surgery next Monday - the 24th.  First stop of the day was to see Dr. L.  She was out of the office,but I spoke with her nurse instead, who gave me the run-down of when surgery starts, what they'll do, recovery time, etc.  She also showed me the LOVELY drains I have to take care of for the next several weeks.  Ugh.  In case many of you don't know, the drains are hooked into my breast tissue and are connected by a tube into a hollow bulb - and as the incision/tissues drain of blood/pus/excess whatever, they drain out into these bulbs.  Then I have to empty these things every day and measure how much comes out.  Ew.  This may be the worst part about this whole thing....

Next stop was to see Dr. A., who is the plastic surgeon giving me my boobs back.  He discussed some of the incisions they'll make and told me where scars may be.  Then he talked about how I'll need to come back once a week for a check up and get the expanders filled.  This should take about 5-6 weeks.  As long as no further treatment is necessary, I could have my permanent implants as early as Christmas!  lol  But I told him I'd want to wait until after the holidays, so we're shooting for next Spring.  He kept reassuring me I was in good hands with him and Dr. L. and that they've done a lot of these before.  Gee thanks.

My next stop was to pre-admissions.  I had to sign a ton of paperwork, submit my insurance information - again, and then sent for pre-admission testing.  They took another whole medical history and showed me where to check in and where I'll be transported to for the surgery.  She told me what floor I'll go to once I'm admitted to the hospital, but of course I won't know what room yet.

My last stop for the day was to see the gastro doctor, Dr. R.  He's been checking me since chemo wreaked such havoc on my gastric system and made me really sick.  The problems have lessened, but they haven't stopped like they should have, so he wants to run a number of tests.  Of course they'll have to wait until after my surgery, but we have them scheduled anyway.  So one more thing to look forward to.

So with surgery only days away, everything is finally lining up.  Which doesn't make me any less nervous of course.  This is one surgery I don't know how to handle.  I'm anxious about losing a part of my body - and looking and feeling different.  Yes my husband loves me, but will he look at me different?  Will people see that something is wrong with me?  Will they think I'm not as strong as I say I am?