Hadn't done one of these in a while - another day of DR appts in Dallas.

I started the night before making some baked goods for all of the doctors I would be seeing the next day.  I baked some cupcakes and made my famous trashy crackers.  I didn't have much money this year for gifts, but I still wanted to do something meaningful for everyone.  I got some trinket items for the nurses and office staff and gave Dr. L. one of my handmade fleece scarves.

My first visit of the day was with my breast surgeon, Dr. L.  I told the staff Merry Christmas and said hello to everyone I hadn't seen in months.  The nurse talked with me for a while and caught upon everything that is going on with me.  When Dr. L. came in, she examined me as usual and asked about my last surgery that was scheduled in March.  I'm due to see Dr. L. again in March, at which time she said we would celebrate 2 years post being diagnosed.  Whoot!

My next visit was to my diabetes DR, Dr. B.  This visit was pretty short since things were actually going pretty well.  My A1C went up half a point, which isn't so bad, and my sugars have been pretty regular on my new insulin regimen.  No roller coaster numbers!  lol  Dr. B. seemed pretty ok with the progress and told me to come back next summer.  Whoo!

Before my last appt I stopped in to see the nurse case manager.  She has been there for since the beginning and always checks in with me and sees how I'm doing.  She is also one of the ones that distributes the drain pouches after I took them to Dr. A.'s office.  I showed her my new drain pouch ideas and she told me about some of ways they've been sharing them with patients.  I was glad I got to visit with her again and told her I would check back before my surgery.

Although I didn't get to see Dr G. or anyone in the group, I did drop them off a care package of cupcakes and trashy crackers with a card.  I knew they must have been busy in the middle of the day, so hopefully I can see them next time I come through the hospital.

My last stop for the day was with my new oncologist, Dr. B. (a different one  lol).  I had a chest x-ray done to see if there are any abnormalities that could indicate metastasis.  Then I checked in and waited to see Dr. B.  I've had some problems in the past with Dr. C. and felt like I wasn't being heard - or that I was starting to think I'm crazy.  So with help from Dr. S. and one of my favorite nurses they paired me up with Dr. B.  I was nervous at first, but the more he talked to me, the more I felt like he was a big, burly version of Dr. S.!  He said he spoke with Dr. S. and worked closely with him before and was able to read through most of my chart, so he was pretty up to date on things.  He tried to talk to me about the positives and tried to make me seem more hopeful, while getting a little annoyed with my pessimistic tone.  He kept reassuring me that I'm not cray, or a hypochondriac.  By the end of my visit, I felt so much better about the visit and in no way felt that I had wasted. my time.  It was a relief to be heard again and knowing that I can come back to repeat visits with someone on my side and who is always looking out for me.  Although I lost one of my favorite nurses in the office, I know she is still there to talk to - and I haven't met Dr. B's nurse yet, but I'm sure she's great too.

The end of the year is coming, so today was a good way to help close out 2016.

November was a pretty uneventful month - for the most part.

Jeremy is out on the road more.  I'm working as many hours as I can since I didn't take any time off for my surgery.  Had Thanksgiving with the family.

Now December is here.  We are getting ready for Christmas and the New Year.  And now I have one more thing to prepare for in the New Year - my surgery!  My surgery has been rescheduled to March 16th, with a pre-op on February 28th.  I'm so excited!

My awesome insurance is now effective and I'm now saving up my paid time off for the 9 days I'll be off of work.  Jeremy is going to try and get that weekend off so that I will have rides to and from - plus he feels bad for missing the last surgery so he wants to be there for this one.

I'm ready for this chapter to be over and finally move on to a 'normal' sense of myself.

Plus I'm ready for my awesome new boobs.

Keep moving forward...

So my next project I'm working on is an extension of my drain pouch project.  I've started making drain pouches that patients can wear under their clothes and are more comfortable to wear.  But my next concerns was creating something that can be worn in the shower to hold the drains.  After my surgery, I had to pin my drains to an old robe belt to wear in the shower and it always gave me anxiety about the belt or the pins slipping or simply breaking.

After a heated discussion about crocheted dishcloths, my friend and I talked about the uses for cotton yarn.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head!  I will crochet small drain pouches using the 100% cotton yarn, which can be exposed to soap and water and repeated washings without being damaged.  While I'm working on those, I've also bought some mesh material to work with and create pouches as well.  I'm still working on the style and how to make my stitches not so sloppy - and how to bind off without a bunch of frayed nubs - but I think I've made some progress and have a few prototypes done.

I'm excited to keep making the drain pouches and make this project more known.  Visit the fundraiser page to see other updates and photos and see who is supporting the cause :-)

https://www.youcaring.com/surgery-patients-588219

Ok.  I've had some time to cool down now.  And work out things so that I can move forward and schedule my surgery for next spring.

They say God does everything for a reason.  Of course He never tells anyone about His plans.  The scariest part is that the day I was scheduled to have my surgery this week, my coworker's mom passed away.  She's gonna be out the exact amount of days I was scheduled to be out for my surgery.  Someone has to stay in the clinic - and God decided it would be me.  That was a spooky 'coincidence'.

So I'm coping and realizing there are other things I'm supposed to be taking care of right now.  Like making more drain pouches.  Or saving up my paid sick time.  Or waiting for my better insurance to take effect. 

I think what bothers me most is that this surgery was supposed to be my closing chapter.  This was the end of the breast cancer saga.  No more major doctor appointments.  No more surgeries.  No more complicated tests or procedures.  I was going to go back to normal and no loner be 'that girl with cancer'.  But since my last surgery is delayed, it makes me feel like it's not over yet.  But why isn't it over?  What else could I possibly have left to do that I'm not allowed to move on?

I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I don't know how to feel!

This week was supposed to be a happy, yet complicated time for me.  I was supposed to have my last phase of reconstructive surgery done this Thursday and spend some time off work healing and resting.  But noooooooooo - that's not happening.

So I had my pre-op on 10/04/16 and everything went fine.  My exam went great.  I went over what I had to do and what to expect.  I paid the surgeon and the anesthesiologist their part.  I walked out of there feeling so victorious and anxious at the same time.  But today I get a call from the lady that schedules the procedures and checks insurance and etc.  Let's call her E.  So E. calls and fusses that my insurance is in the grace period - time out.

I have Marketplace insurance right now.  It's due on the first of every month, but if you don't pay on time you get a 'grace period' of time to pay it an your insurance is still active.  It's like getting a final notice on your electric bill - you have to pay it by this date or they're cutting it off.  And I admit I got behind on my insurance premiums over the summer when I was out of work.  But when I started working again, I started paying down my past due premiums and worked to make sure that as each month passed, they may still be in grace period but they would not be cut off.

So E. proceeds to tell me that she is uncomfortable going forward with my surgery since my premiums are in the grace period.  She claims she is worried that if I don't pay my insurance on time that my insurance will lapse and I'll be stuck with a huge bill.  Oh, and not to mention the doctors will too and she hints how they have to look out for their bottom line too.  I tried to tell her that I've been working to get my premiums current and that my insurance is still valid.  I also stress to her that I would NEVER stiff Dr. A or any of his staff on something this huge and would never run off without making sure they get paid.  She kept repeating that it would be best to reschedule and that she didn't feel like the DR would be comfortable continuing either.  Go figure that as soon as I mentioned my new insurance kicking in at my new job soon, she immediately started pressuring me to reschedule - oh but only after I got my new insurance cards in my hand.  I then asked her if I could just push it back a few weeks to try and catch up my premiums - in which she told me no because the doctor was booked for the rest of the year.  E. then told me he would consult with the doctor and see what 'he thinks would be best' and call me back.  An hour later she calls me back and says that he thinks I need to reschedule until I get my new insurance cards.  She didn't say much else and then hung up when I stopped talking and just started crying.

First of all - I was pumped up for this surgery!  My hype level was through the roof!  Was was over the moon to have this done!  I was even risking taking non-paid time off and recuperating alone just to see this through.  And here she comes just snatching it away from me - just days before it was supposed to happen.  She didn't talk to me during my pre-op.  She didn't call me last week.  Three days before!

Secondly - she made me feel like the lowest piece of crap they have ever scheduled with.  So just because I got behind on my insurance premiums you guys won't operate on me?  Do you think I'm going to get the surgery done and then stiff the doctors on the bill?  What kind of a person do you think I am??
Dr. A has always shown me that he cares about more than just money and has always worked with me regarding bills or expenses.  While he may have concerns about me affording the surgery, I don't believe for 2 seconds he suddenly became concerned that I'm going to skip out on my insurance bills and leave him in the lurch.  I refuse to believe that man thinks so little of me and told E. to cancel my surgery because of money.

So I cried through most of work today and came home and pouted.  I even ugly cried.  I just didn't care.

I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason.  I don't care if you think this is part of some grander plan that I have to follow.  I got excited.  I was ready.  Then you popped my balloon and I sunk to the floor.  I'm so depressed, I may just stay there a while...

Final pre-op visit today!

So today was my final pre-op appt for my last phase of reconstructive surgery I'm having at the end of this month.  Before the appt, I was able to make and gather 16 drain pouches to donate to Dr. A. and the case manager.  I wanted to take more, but I ran out of time/money/materials etc.  I figured I can start delivering them in segments, as long as I keep them coming.

I get to the office and hand the drain pouches over to Miss C. and she takes them to Dr. A. in the back.  She comes back and tells me that he LOVES them.  I was so happy that everyone liked them and that I was able to contribute something useful and pretty!

Once I'm in a room, I've given all the paperwork that tells me what to do and not to do before and after the surgery as well as a list of supplies I'll need for after care.  Then Miss I. takes before photos of my breasts and my chin.  Dr. A. will be fixing my boobs and well as my double chin so it's a double whammy!  When Dr. A. came in the room, he told me a more about what to expect and what he'll be doing.  I love that he was in a good mood today, and almost like he kew something I didn't - like a constant smirk.  He thanked me for the drain pouches and said how much they were a great idea and well thought out.  Aw!  We talked about sizes and what to expect in bandages and compression belts after the lipo.  As of right now, I'm still not sure what my 'final' size will be, so I think I'll need to go somewhere and get re-sized when all this is done.

Before I left, I paid for Dr. A.'s and Dr. D.'s part of the surgery and confirmed my surgery times.  On the way home, Mom and I stopped for tacos when I got an alert on my phone.  After spending 20 minutes trying to connect the dots, I finally went back to the drain pouch fundraising website and found that Dr. A. had made a huge donation!  I knew he liked the pouches, but this was over the top!  No wonder he kept smirking at me during my appt.  lol  So I cried all the way home and couldn't believe what a great day this had turned out to be.

My surgery is only two weeks away, so while I'm preparing for time off and gathering supplies, I need to get to work making more drain pouches!

Got an awesome phone call the other day!

So I got a call from my former oncologist, Dr. S., who moved up to Oregon back in April.  He called me from his personal cell and wanted to know all about how I was doing.  He's such a sweetie!

So he tells me that he wants to submit a case study to a medical journal that focuses on a female patient that develops breast cancer after undergoing chemo and radiation at a young age.  Hmmm who does that sound like???

He called to get my permission and get my address to send the consent forms to.  He's mailing the papers to me and once I sign an return them, he'll submit them for publication.  There's no guarantee it will be published, but it's still cool to think that my story could be in print - sort of - and it could help further medical technology.

I feel so special!

Being an odd ball is finally helping someone - instead of just being the weirdo that I am.

Well that was a wasted trip.

I went to Dallas today to follow up with my oncologist, Dr. C.  I know Dr. C. doesn't have to do a lot of the work anymore since I've finished treatment and am almost done with my surgeries, but something was lacking today.

Of course, Dr. S. spoiled me when it comes to doctor-patient relationship.  He was overly caring, personal with me, and never made me feel like an idiot when I asked stupid questions.  So when he left, I knew the 'new' doctor wouldn't be the same, but I expecting some of the same qualities.  But over the last few visits with Dr. C. I've never felt more disconnected from my doctor before.  With every visit, I feel more like an intruder in the office - like I don't belong there or that I have no reason to keep coming back.

During this visit, he didn't have my CT scan results that I'd had done a month ago, and didn't seem bothered by it.  He didn't say much, but just kind of laughed and didn't try to make small talk.  I brought up concerns on ongoing fatigue and feelings of 'blah', and he gave me diet and exercise advice.  Seriously??  He offered no extra input or asked me any additional questions.  By the end of the visit, he simply handed me my labs and told me to come back in December.  By the way, my labs were abnormal - which is probably why I felt so crappy.  I read the results myself - with no input from the doctor.

I left there feeling super emotional and with a gut feeling that I've wasted my time here.  That's the first time I ever felt like that in my hospital.  I was so upset that I stopped at the Taco Cabana and got a taco platter and ate it out on their patio.  I never eat alone - but I just wanted to be by myself for a minute and breathe.  I'm up in the air as to whether I want to return to Dr. C., or do I want to start looking elsewhere?  I've never left my hospital for care, but I don't know what other doors are open for me.

Glorious day!  I'm going back to work!

After spending months of being unemployed and endless job searches and interviews, I finally found a place that will hire me and hopefully realize how awesome I can be.  lol

I've been a real bitch since I've been out of work.  I've felt worthless and that anything I did had little or no value.  I felt myself falling into a deeper pit of depression and no matter how many pep talks and positive vibes my husband sent me, I didn't see any improvement in sight.  But I went on an interview and had a great talk with the manager.  I started to feel normal again and felt optimistic - as usual.  A few days after my interview, my references started telling me they were getting calls and mails asking for input.  Yay!  Within a week, I got a call from HR with a job offer!

So I start next week - I'm nervous and excited and freaked out all at once.  I'm going to work for another hospital in town, so some of it feels familiar.  But it's also very different at the same time, so I'm scared about learning new systems and meeting new coworkers.  We all know I'm either a 'delight' to work with, or the whole office hates me.  Ugh I wish I could skip ahead six months and already know everything and be settled in already.

Wish me luck!  And keep your fingers crossed for me!

Another milestone for this girl!

Today marks 17 years since my stem cell transplant.  I know I've told the story a million times, but I'll say it again...

In the summer of 1999 I relapsed with leukemia.  After radiation and more chemo, I was given a stem cell transplant from an umbilical cord - from Australia!  The doctors were unsure of it's success rate, and gave me 6 months to a year at best.

It's now 17 years later - so that is some extended warranty!

Of course the radiation and chemo have left extensive after effects, such as organ problems, bone problems, diabetes, eye problems and increased susceptibility to other diseases - including my recent go round with breast cancer.  As Dr. G. once said, it's just the 'gift that keeps on giving'.  But I've also overcome many of them.  I was told I'd have learning problems and motor function problems -  but I knocked those out of my way!

A year ago marks the end of my last round of chemo and soon I'll have my last reconstruction surgery.  Something to celebrate now and something to celebrate later  ^.^

Another day of multiple doctors and multiple appointments.

The day started slow with an early start on the drive up there.  I was even in a good enough mood to stop and get some breakfast from McDonalds.  For once, I was going to be on time!  Pfft until I got behind a car wreck on Hwy 80, which put me 45 minutes late to my first appt.  Ugh

So my first appt of the day was with Dr. L.  I spent most of the visit in the waiting room and got to talk with another breast cancer patient.  When I finally got in the room, Dr. L. gave me a check over and I told her everything Dr. C. was doing for me and when my next surgery with Dr. A. is coming up.  She also gave me an order for Lymphedema therapy that I can do in Tyler - so maybe I can find some relief for my aching arm!

My next appt was with Dr. B. and talk about why sugars have been so crazy since my last surgery.  He didn't really have any answers for me, but he checked all my labs and adjusted my thyroid medicine.  He also switched me to the insulin pen instead of using the vials and syringes anymore.  Luckily my insurance covers the pens, so I didn't have to pay out of pocket for them.  But when I left Dr. B.'s office, the front desk tried to tell me I had a balance due that was sent to collections, and no one knows why I wasn't told about it?  Jeez  That's one more bill I have to sort out with their business office.

Now I had to run across the street to Dr. R.'s office for my next appt.  We discussed my gastric problems - mostly about how they keep coming and going - and Dr. R. is still stumped.  He thinks their may be a connection between my blood sugars and my gut problems, so I'm supposed to keep track of my sugars and keep a log of my symptoms.  The visit was kind of unproductive, but I still have to go back in about 2 months.

And my last visit for the day was with Dr. A. in his shiny new clinic!  I got lost finding the door at first, but I made it.  They've done construction on the office and expanded the space, so it's like a whole new place.  They've also got a lot of new people working there, but no one seems to want to share names - so I just kind of smiled at everyone and then wondered which ones wanted to check out boobs this visit.  Dr. A. came in and looked over the expanders and the areas around it.  He looked at my boobs the way I look at a scarf when I finish knitting it - I look for what went right, what areas I might have missed and what I should do next time.  My boobs are like my crafting.  lol!
Before I left we talked more about my upcoming surgery and hashed out the pre-op dates.  As of now, I'm waiting for my final surgery, and all this mess might actually be behind me??  Aw - then I won't get to make my regular trips to Dallas anymore.

I left Dr. A. a present before I left for the day.  It's been over a year since Dr. A. started treating me, so it's 'customary' for me to give my doctors a little gift as a way of saying thank you.  I know I'm a difficult patient to take on, so I always appreciate the doctors that still hang around for this long...

Last night was my 10 year high school reunion.  It was awesome!

I graduated in May of 2006.  It seemed like so long ago...

I was depressed since Jeremy was not home to go with me, but I took one of my best high school friends with me - like my date :-)  We arrived and I was put in charge of checking people in and taking their ticket money.  I got to see everyone as they came in and remember their faces - or their names, usually one or the other - and matched their graduation photo with their tickets.  

As the night went on, I got to take pics with everyone, especially some with my selfie stick!  The DJ started playing some songs from 2006 and even some of my favorites, like the Cha Cha Slide!!  Some the songs I didn't know the steps to, but it was fun getting out there and trying to keep up with everyone.  I may have looked stupid hopping around out there, but it felt good.

It was awesome getting together with everyone again and everyone was open with each other.  Everyone danced on the floor, greeted each other and just had fun.  After the depressing moth I've had, it was a great relief night that allowed me to get out of the house, interact with some other people besides my mom, and reminded me what it felt like to have fun.  The next reunion is planned for 5 years from now, and I'm gonna nominate the lake houses for the next one. 

I've spent the last year dealing with breast cancer.  My second occurrence with cancer in my life.  I had chemo, surgeries, doctor visits, time off work and high medical bills.  By now things are almost done - I only have one more surgery to go.  Things are finally coming to an end and the tireless fight is almost done.

But this is the first time I've felt depressed since it all started.

I've never been clinically depressed before, so I don't know a lot about the subject.  But I see the classic symptoms - the ones you read in the depression pamphlets.  I no longer enjoy my crafts or volunteer projects.  In fact I find myself asking "What's the point?" when looking in my craft room.  Of course I'm not sleeping well, the house is a wreck, I don't feel like going out, I might barf at any minute and the final slice of the cake is that I can't get my blood sugar back under control.

It started when I was let go from my temp job.  I haven't found work since.  And I have great employable skills - or at least I thought I did.  Countless resumes and applications have got me zilch.  The only responses I'm getting from employers is simply "You're just not a good fit for this position".  Of course I have no idea what that means.  I mean, you don't like my skills or qualifications?  Did I say something stupid in an interview?  Did my lymphedema sleeve scare you away?

I have doctor appointments, tests and a surgery coming up.  I can't bear to face any of my doctors in the sad shape I'm in.  How can I tell them that the strong patient they watched fight cancer and fight to keep herself together while still holding down a job can't even hold her head up right now.  What's the point of even scheduling a surgery now anyway?  Even if I get hired somewhere, no job will let me have time off so soon after being hired.  Besides, if I'm out of work much longer, how am I going to pay for it all?  I'm just kidding myself thinking I can just keep pushing everything forward.

So most days I sit around the house.  Sure I put in resumes and apply for jobs online.  I line up jobs that have to be applied for in person and leave the house maybe one day a week.  Twice if I have physical therapy.  At first it was a nice break getting to be home all day where I can clean, organize and even craft something.  For a while I had some joy in making drain pouches to donate to the hospital, but that soon faded.  After a while I became depressed with myself - angry even.  How could I just sit here and wait for someone to call me back about a job?  What am I not doing enough of to find work?  How could I sit here and crochet caps when I should be calling people and begging for work?  I'm beginning to lose faith in myself and doubt my own self worth.  What kind of person am I that can't get hired somewhere in this rinky dink town?  What kind of person am I that can't find work to pay her bills and contribute to her own household?  My husband is out on the road working to send me money - but what am I doing?

Sitting around crying.  That's all I seem to do these days.

I stink at parties.

In fact, I suck at them.  I'm not very outgoing, I embarrass easy, and I'm not 'pretty' enough to do the party circuit.  I'm a home-body who seems anti-social.

So I called on my best friend to go with me to a swanky Dallas party.  This country bumpkin couldn't go alone and I wasn't even sure if I fit in.  I couldn't find something that said 'pretty in pink' without falling back on my old insecurities - my short stubby legs don't look good in a skirt, my belly pooches out past my boobs, my shoulders are freakishly wide and, oh yeah, I have to wear a giant lymphadema sleeve on my arm.  While I didn't feel 'pretty in pink', I did feel 'passable' in pants and a frilly top.

Sharla and I were early and met the hosts of the event.  They were great ladies who were also breast cancer survivors, so we had some common ground to talk about.  Te venue was beautiful and I loved the mix of 80s music played by the DJ.  As the night when on, I felt more and more out of place.  Maybe it's because I don't drink, and everyone around me does?  Maybe it's because I feel inferior to the other guests?  I don't know what the issue is - but it hangs over my head every time I try to 'go out' or go to parties.

There's another one coming up in October.  I guess I have until then to boost myself up and be able to walk in with my head held high and my newly constructed chest of boobs puffed out.

Another follow up visit this week.
On Tuesday I had two appointments in Dallas - one with Dr. A. and one with Dr. C.

Jeremy was home for an overnight stay, so he drove me.  Yay  My first appointment was with Dr. A. and when I arrived I could tell it was a busy day.  Miss C. told me he had a last minute surgery to get to, so I thought about rescheduling, but he was able to fit me in before he had to go - makes me feel special :-)  So far he seems happy with the turnout and asked if I had any problems during the healing process.  The only problem I had was getting the last of the dis-solvable stitches to finally come out, but since they were still hanging on Dr. A. just had PA pull them out while I was there.  We scheduled my next - and final - surgery for August, so the end is definitely approaching!  I'm excited to have my final boobs and recognize this is the end of this chapter of my life, but as I've said before, it's kind of bittersweet.  I always fear that when I close a chapter, that I close out the people there.  I've made such great friends through all of this mess, I don't want that to go away just because I don't have cancer anymore.

My last appointment of the day was with Dr. C.  He told me the chest CT I had in April came back clear and shows no signs of cancer regrowth.  Yay!  He also explained that with my type of breast cancer, if it's going to come back, it will most likely happen within the next 3-5 years, so he has made a plan to see me every 3-4 months for follow ups and will have various scans done 2-3 times a year.  He's ready to stand guard over me, so I'm glad he's already got a game plan going.  Dr. C. also said that the HER2 positive factor of my breast cancer is a type that can - in rare instances - spread to the brain the first time it metastasizes.  He told me to look out for signs such as recurring headaches, 'odd' behavior changes, or any general feeling of illness that isn't like me.  Yikes.  I told him I hope he wasn't going off my moods or emotions, because those seem to fly off the handle or fall apart at the drop of a hat and it's be hard to determine if it was cancer or me just being crazy.  I also told him to ignore any crazy phone calls I might make to his office where I get something like a leg cramp and I freak out that it's the cancer coming back.  I know I'll be paranoid for the next few years, so I'm trying to find the balance between bat-crap-crazy and blowing everything off.
I talked with Dr. C. about the possibility of remission and what kind of options we would look at.  He explained about the hundred of different regimens and the factors they would look at to decide what to do and so on.  I had a talk with Dr. S. about this, and I told Dr. C. that I still stand firm on doing whatever is possible to fight again if the cancer comes back.  I don't ever want to be told that there's nothing they can do and I don't want to be told to just go home and 'enjoy my time' or wait for the end.  I don't care if the regimen/medicine is experimental, harmful or simply just shitty, I want to do it.  I don't want to be given up on and I don't want him to tell me that's all there is.  He reassured me there were plenty of options available and that they had no intention of quitting on me.
On a happier note, one of my favorite oncology nurses, who was Dr. S.'s nurse and is not Dr. C.'s nurse, is pregnant!  Can't believe I didn't notice the last time I was there.  She told me the general colors of her nursery, so I'll have to whip something up before i go back in August.

I left the hospital that day feeling accomplished knowing one surgery was done (and I came out smelling like an iodine stained rose) and that my doctor had a plan to watch over me and showed no sign of giving up any time soon.  It feels weird not having to go back any time soon, but I know it'll be time to strut through the halls again soon enough.

I can do this!  I'm pretty sure....

Friday was my one week follow up after part 1 of my reconstructive surgery.

The day started with Jeremy coming home for the weekend, so he drove me to my appointment.

Actually the day started before lunch when I had a really great job interview that lasted almost two hours.  By the time I left, the interviewer offered me the job and told me to start on Monday!  Wow!  This is just what I needed after being out of work these past few weeks and finally getting cleared by the doctor to go back to work.  I guess God knew when it was the right time for me to heal and the right time to go back to work...

After that Jeremy and I drove to my post op appt with Dr. A.  When he came in the room, Dr. A. seemed to be in a good mood, which always makes me happy.  He looked me over and seems to be happy with how my reconstruction is coming along.  So far I haven't had any complications, so I'm thankful for a somewhat smooth recovery.  Although I'm disappointed that this round of lipo didn't give me a 29 inch waist, I'm just happy to have one surgery done without any major complications.  Except for all the itching the incisions are doing - which is just driving me nuts.  He then took some post op photos and talked with me a little bit about the next surgery and what it will include.  I'm really excited about the idea of having the under chin lipo included in the next surgery - just have to make sure I save up the money for it in time.  Everything is slowly coming to an end!

So Dr. A. is slowly putting me back together again.  I'm slowly getting a figure back and starting to feel normal again!  But when I'm 'normal' again, I won't be seeing some of the people that have become so important to me anymore, like Dr. C., Dr. L., Miss C and PA, and of course Dr A. and his scruffy beard and tousled hair...

It's a bittersweet thought.

I'm amazed at how many women I know with breast cancer.  And every experience and story is very different.  I love talking with them and getting their view on everything - their treatments, their feelings, their choice of medicines and even their choice of reconstruction.

When Dr. L., told me I would need a double mastectomy, I was all onboard.  I was totally fine with it because I knew insurance would cover the reconstruction, and I knew that anything she took apart from surgery, I would just get back later.  I've always been grateful to Dr. L. and Dr. A. have helped me not only get through all of this, but also help put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.  As stupid as it sounds, for me, the reconstruction process helps me get back to feeling like myself and - on a tiny level - allows me to sometime pretend in the back of my mind that maybe none of this ever happened and I'm just a normal woman with nice boobs.  But of course - that's not true.  But even after all the chemo and surgeries and scars, I know it all comes back and my few fleeting moments of ignorance are gone.

Every woman I talk to has different views on reconstruction.  Some say it's not worth it, while some say they do partial reconstruction while others - like me - go for the whole enchilada.  And of course anyone that is considering it I always recommend Dr. A.  But I recently spoke to a friend who has been a big inspiration to me and is always open to talking to me, which feels great.  I gushed to her about how excited I am about reconstructing my boobs and how great Dr. A. is and everything.  When I asked her what she was going to do, and she simply said she wanted to wait until she was comfortable with the way she was - after the surgery and after the treatments.  She told me she had to be comfortable with herself and how she was now before she decided to do anything or herself.  I admire her strength and her own self confidence, but was confused by her sentiment.

As  said, I have my selfish reasons for wanting reconstruction and love thinking of how my new body will look after a year of plain crap I had to go through.  When I came out of my mastectomy, my boobs looked like something out of Frankenstein and it took months before they started looking normal again.  When I lost my hair, I cried for weeks, always kept my head covered and only showed my bald head to like 5 people.  The whole time I knew I wasn't comfortable with the skin I was in and felt terrible at times.  And while I felt like crap and cried at the disfigured thing I felt like I had become, I knew it was all temporary.  I knew that no matter what horrible card I had been dealt now and God somehow felt I needed to handle at the time, none of it would last.  I knew that someday this would all be past me and I would get back to being the self I want to be.  So for me, choosing reconstruction and already dreaming about dying about my hair, is just something that makes me happy and makes me feel like getting through the 100-mile-journey of crap is just a bump in the road.

Besides talking about myself in this post, I am also thinking about my friend that is struggling with liking the skin she is in.  I just want to tell her - you don't have to like it.  You don't have to accept it.  You can hate it and you can wish for something better.  It's ok to hate the skin you are currently in and want to make it better.  Whether it's through surgery, diet, exercise, fancy clothes, make up or whatever.  Please don't feel like this current you is the only you can be.  

The only thing that stays the same is that everything is always changing - and that includes us.
Do what makes you happy and makes you feel like yourself again.

Part one is finally complete!

On this past Thursday, I finally had my part one of my reconstructive surgery.  In this procedure, Dr. A. lipos fat from my abdomen to implant over my current expanders.  It not only gives cushion around the expanders, but also under my now thin layer of skin over the breast.  Plus, it's working toward giving me a natural, round shape.  Whoo hoo!  Oh and I forgot to mention - he's taking out my mediport!  A huge milestone!

So I arrive at the surgery center at 6:30am - yep that's right.  I was the first patient on the list.  I've been to this outpatient surgery enter so many times, I'm surprised I don't have a permanent booth by now.  Pre-op went smoothly and I talked to Dr. A. and PA before they gave me the ok to head in.  The anesthesiologist, Dr. D. came in and waved the sleeping juice in front of me which means I was ready to go.  But since I was still awake and talking by the time they wheeled me into the OR and was in the process of strapping me to the table, I think I got an additional boost that sent me under in 2 seconds.

I woke up in post op feeling like poop.  Although I do remember my first coherent phrase was "Am I skinny yet?!"  lol  I normally have no problem coming out of anesthesia, but this time I felt like a truck ran me over.  And I had horrible nausea - which, again, I don't normally have since I've done this so many times.  On top of that, I woke up with a giant abdomen compression belt, which Dr. A. seemed to have forgotten to mention.  Then I got to argue with the nurse about her trying to push pain pills on me, while my mouth is drier than the Mojave Desert and a throat that has been scraped by a trach tube - so her solution was to force me to try and eat Saltine crackers and chug a soda.  But when I asked for sugar free gelatin instead, I sound like the crazy one.  So on top of the Valium I had in pre-op and the heavy dose of anesthesia from the surgery, she tells me to take the pain pill or I'll have to get it in a shot later.  My head was swimming and my stomach was turning, so I was in no mood to argue and I took it.  But as the pain pill made me more drowsy, I wasn't allowed to go back to sleep since my O2 was low, and the genius decided it was a great time to make me get out of bed and go to the bathroom.  Ugh  After a couple of hours in post op, I was finally able to go home.  Now that I was doped up on 3 different sets of meds, I spent the rest of the day feeling like I wanted to barf or pass out.  It wasn't until about 10pm that I felt well enough to eat a chimichanga and some cheesy rice - which felt awesome after such a crappy day!

The next day I had a follow up with Dr. A.  So we drove back to Dallas and thankfully by now I was feeling much better - just sore.  And compressed in the giant belt.  He gave me a lookover and said everything was looking fine - thank God after the problems I had after my last breast surgery - and that even though I had to keep wearing the compression belt, I don't have to wear it all the time. I think the best part was when he took off the compression belt to look at the incisions and I felt my entire body fall in relief.  He asked me how that felt and I answered "I think my inner fat girl just exploded."  Ha!  But I managed to escape without any infections or injuries this time, just some funny colored bruising and lots of steri-strips.

Now that I'm home and finally getting rest, I'm starting to feel the slow trail up to healing, such as finding all the steri-strips, washing off all the iodine stains, finally wanting food again, and of course - crazy, insane itching from my incisions.  I've been ordered lots of rest, no heavy lifting and no driving for several days.  Dr. A. has always been fond of having his patient's chauffeured around.  I got a giant gift basket from my cousin and her friends who were super generous and gave me items such as cookies, chocolate and a coloring book with markers!  I'm all set for my time off :-)

So I'm due to see Dr. A. again next Friday for another follow up.  Until then I'm supposed to just take it easy, and I'm sure I can find things to occupy my time.  As long as this compression belt doesn't get the better of me...

Oh yeah - and we'll be doing round two in about 2 months - so stay tuned!

Another Relay has come and gone this year.

Before Relay this year, the Jacksonville Daily Progress ran another story about me and Relay.  It made me tear up!  You can read all about it here: Jacksonville Daily Progress Story

I was so happy to return to Relay for Life this year since we missed last year's due to my chemo treatments.  This year it was an international theme, so our team site was based on Australia - since that's where my stem cell transplant came from :-)

A big storm came through East Texas, so the event was moved to the Jacksonville Middle School in the cafeteria.  Even though we were cramped in there, it was still a great time.  Our team was in charge of the luminarias this year, so it was a little more work for our team, but we had good team members to help out.  We still walked our laps, like the survivor lap, the caregiver lap, and even the team lap.  I even enjoyed a plate of nachos after the opening ceremonies!

I was super nervous this year because they asked me to speak during the Luminaria ceremony - which is a serious time of reflection to honor those effected by cancer.  What am I supposed to say?  How can I speak without making a joke?  Yikes!  But Mom and Jeremy were able to capture it on video, and Mom started crying half way through, so I guess I did ok.
See if you can listen to the video here: https://www.facebook.com/mary.graham.940/videos/10154588455096754/

The event was not overnight this year, so it was actually over before I knew it.  Even though we had to pack up in the rain, at the end of the night I was so happy to be there this year and continue our 'tradition'.  I'm so glad that my family turned out with me and cheered our team on as we walked the laps, sold raffle tickets and took part in the activities.  I didn't get as many photos as I'd like, but we got some good ones.

I want to thank everyone that showed up to Relay with us and helped with the fight against cancer!  As always, feel free to contact me if you want information about joining our team next year!

I know I'm late posting, but things have been nuts.

So much has happened in just two weeks.  I've changed jobs and I'm taking on extra projects.  Both I think are slowly driving me crazy and making me want to crawl into a corner.

But on 4/12/16 I went to Dallas again and had my last Herceptin infusion!  Well, I'll start from the beginning...

I started the day by seeing Dr. L. first.  As I prepared for my last treatment, I wore a pink tiara for the day and passed out strands of pink beads.  So when I arrived I handed pink beads to the ladies at check in, Dr. L.'s nurse and of course Dr. L.  Dr. L. commented on how great I look and said she is proud to see how far I've come.  She kept saying how brave and resilient I was through a of this - I think she's been listening to Dr. S. too much. Her and Dr. S. believe the cancer was caused by my previous exposure to radiation, so they think we're looking pretty good for the future.  You never say cured - that's just a jinx.
Before I left she hugged me and told me they enjoyed having me. Aw.

My next appt was with my new oncologist, Dr. C.  The awesome part is that Dr. S.'s nurse - who I loved so much - is now Dr. C.'s nurse!  It felt so good to have a familiar element to the visit and I just love having her around!  lol  so of course I gave her some beads and some to the MA and then waited for Dr. C.  He is a lot taller and younger than I thought, but he was smiling and seemed to have a dry sense of humor - so I think we'll fit well together.  He has ordered me a chest CT, I guess to check for growth or abnormalities.  He's even OK with me doing it in Tyler, so I won't have to take off more time from my new job.  So I go back to see him in 6 weeks and from there it will be just regular check ups since I won't have Herceptin anymore!
After seeing Dr. C. I went downstairs for my very last Herceptin treatment!  Jeremy brought me some lunch and I just sat back and watched it flow!  lol

My last appt of the day was with Dr. A. - yay!  We got there and I was escorted into a room.  After I spoke to PA about the upcoming surgery ad Miss I. came in to take some pre-op photos, I waited for Dr. A. to come talk to me as well.  As Jeremy and I waited, the elevator music playing in the room suddenly changed to disco music and Dr. A., PA and Miss I. came dancing in!  How old does Dr. A. think I am??  I needed some 90s music playing to really make myself feel old  lol  Granted I have the body of an old lady - but anyways.  He came in and talked about the upcoming surgery with me.  He went over recovery time with me and when to arrive at the hospital and gave me my pre-op instructions.  This one is just for fat grafting and will prepare me for the final implants in a few months.  Oh and he's taking my port out too! Ahh!  It's all becoming so real now!  I'm a little panicky actually...
Before we checked out, the whole group came to the front and we toasted to me finishing my last treatment and finally moving onward!  It was so nice having them all out there and raising a glass with me *sniffles*  I couldn't have asked for a better group of ladies - and Dr. A. - to get me through my 'transformation' (lol) and getting me back to normal.

Last time I'll have to sit in that chair!

Cheers!

Today is April 6th.  It's an emotional day.  Bittersweet.

Today marks 8 years ago when I married my high school sweetheart, Jeremy.  He is the other half of this crazy train and has been with me through all my psychotic ups and downs.  He wasn't home this year for our anniversary, which made me super depressed and sniffly.  But of course he surprised me with a fruit bouquet at work to show he was thinking of me while he is away.  Aw!  I miss him so much and it's getting harder the longer he's gone on the road.  Every year we normally go on some sort of trip, but we won't be able to do that this year.  We're spending the day in Dallas, but that's partially for my last Herceptin treatment.  *sigh*

The other side of this coin is that it's been 18 years ago since I was diagnosed with leukemia.  I was only 10 when I finished treatment the first time, and at age 11 I relapsed and had a stem cell transplant.  After all the chemo and radiation, I'm still handling all the side effects and aftermath - like bone disease, cataracts, diabetes and even breast cancer.  Dr. G. says it's the gift that just keeps on giving.  Forever.

April marks a lot of things for me, but I'm happy to celebrate April 6th first.  It not only marks my anniversary with my awesome husband, but marks the day that my life started down a whole new path to life-long trials and annoyances.  Go Stina Go!

The past few weeks have been a real roller coaster of emotions for me.  But after my appointments on Tuesday, I was finally flying on Cloud 9!  lol

The day started when I woke up late and got stuck behind a wreck on Hwy 80.  So of course I was late to my first appointment.  My first appointment was with my endocrinologist, Dr. B.  He put me on a new insulin over two months ago and it has been working great for me!  My numbers are looking better and are finally staying on track.  I'm so happy to finally find the combination that works for me.  Plus - I somehow had a credit on my account so I didn't have to pay the full copay.  Whoo hoo!

My second appointment of the day was with Dr. R. the gastro DR.  Luckily, my gastric symptoms have improved so much, but we are not sure how?  He was so happy about my progress and thinks many of the gastric symptoms I had during chemo are finally starting to go away.  So now he is going to focus on my liver functions and see if he can try and figure out what the other liver DR tried to find with all the biopsies and scans.

I was starving by then and was happy to get some spaghetti for lunch from the Lots-a-Pasta downstairs.  Sweet!

Then I went to my Herceptin infusion - my second to last one!  The nurse I had today was super nice and talked a lot with me.  It just added to my good mood and made me feel great.  She watched SVU with me and joked about driving in Dallas traffic, like I have to do.  When I was finished there, it felt great knowing I only have to do that one more time!

My last appointment of the day - of course with Dr. A.  He was in such a good mood this visit, so it put me in such a good mood too!  Today I wasn't getting another fill since I've reach the right size, so he just checked them today and talked a little bit about the first upcoming surgery.  I then told him how badly I wanted to have chin lipo done at some point too - and I would even pay for it myself since insurance won't.  Dr. A. seemed unsure at first but then said he would have one of the girls look into adding it to the surgery and give me a call as to what my end would cost.  I was ecstatic!  This si something I've been wanting since I was like 15 - and it could actually happen now!  Ha ha!
Before I left, Dr. A. told me that PA had baked me some cookies, but that I wasn't allowed to have them because I was diabetic.  I might have took him seriously if he wasn't eating my cookies right out of the bowl as he said it.  I told him to take a few more to save me from eating them myself, so he grabbed some before I took the bowl.  Then I reminded them my next appointment is my pre-op visit and time to party after my last infusion!  I told Dr. A. I would even bring a vegetable tray to offset the sugary stuff :-P

On the way home, I stopped at the Russell Stover's for some chocolate and then at Bucee's for a large ICEE.  By the time I got back home, I was so pooped, but so happy at the same time.  It turned out to be a good day after all.

I'm not a strong person.  I'm not Wonder Woman.  I'm not even in the least bit brave.

I'm depressed.  And it kills me to admit that because everyone sees me as such a strong person.  I'm the one that always smiles when bad things happen.  I'm the one that's always looks happy - even when I'm being bitchy - I put on a strong face.  I'm the one that can roll with the punches.  I'm the one that takes my challenges head on - no problem.

But I'm depressed.  I'm so depressed that it literally hurts everywhere and when I cry it hurts my implants.

But I can't say anything to anyone.  First they'll want to know why I'm upset - like I have to have a valid reason for it.  Then they want to pass judgement on me or put in their two cents on my problems, which just hurts more.  Then when I'm still upset after they've talked to me, they get more mad because I didn't cheer up at the motivational pep talk they just gave me.  Plus everyone thinks I'm some strong, bad ass woman who can handle anything and doesn't let things get her down.

But everything is getting me down.

I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of not having any money.  I hate stressing over what to pay and what has to be postponed.  I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own since Jeremy left.  I'm tired of not having enough time to get anything done.  I'm really sick and tired of everyone calling me a bitch - to my face - and then wanting something from me.  I'm sick of people calling me a bitch period, but they still do it.  Like it's a compliment or something.  Like if I started calling everyone names to their face it would totally be fine.  I can say mean and hurtful things too ya know - I can lash out and hurt you too if I wanted.  But the difference is I know when not to.

Tonight the final straw was that my humidifier broke.  Jeremy ordered me one for Christmas but it had to be returned and a replacement still hasn't arrived.  Now the one I've had for almost 5 years finally crapped out on me.  Just. Stopped. Working.  I lost my shit.  I went bat-crap-crazy.

So it's 4am.  My humidifier broke.  I fought with Jeremy while he is a million miles away.  I cried so hard not only do my implants hurt, but entire face as well.  I feel like I want to barf.  And I have to get up in a few hours to go to work. 

It's hard to vent because I know everyone around me has their own lives and no one has time to stop and listen.  That's not their fault that's just life.  I don't have the money to see a counselor, which I've been trying to do for over a year.  I guess I can talk to the cats or the dog, but even they don't listen very well.

I want to be strong.  I want to think that nothing can bring me down.  I want to believe that stupid things in life don't bother me.  But now I have a migraine and just want to cry some more.

Appt on Thursday this week instead of my typical Tuesday.  I was a little thrown off.

My first appt of the day was to see Dr. S. and get my next Herceptin infusion.  Dr. S. is leaving for Oregon in 2 weeks, so this was the last time I got to see him before he leaves.  I gave him a card with a small gift and a hand-written letter telling him how much I'll miss him but I am glad he gets to go do more clinical research up in Oregon.  He kept saying he would miss me too and that he has been happy to been my doctor for the last year.  He's mentioned several times that he has presented my case at seminars and workshops, so I told him if he needed me to I'd fly to Oregon to be a living prop!  Ha ha
I'm just sad I didn't get a picture of us together for my scrapbook.  I only thought about it after I was in the infusion room and it was too late to go back.  I hope the next doctor that takes on my case, Dr. C., likes me as much as Dr. S. did.

I went downstairs for my next Herceptin therapy.  After this one, I only have 2 left and then I am done!  After that is finished and I have my final breast implants, I'll be done with 'active treatment' and can finally move on!

My last appt of the day was with Dr. A. and PA for a boob pump!  Dr. A. said this would be my last pump before the upcoming surgery.  Now we wait several weeks to see how my skin and tissues form and soften around the expanders.  He's always been big about not rushing things and taking time to let things heal.  I can't tell you how many times I heard "Let's wait and see" or "You can't rush theses things" from him during recovery.  I'm nearing the finish line of all this, so I'm naturally trying to sprint to the end, but he keeps reminding me to stay steady and not rush it.  So I go back in 3 weeks to see how they're doing, and in 3 more weeks I'll have my pre-op visit for my first surgery in May.  Whoot!
Before I left I talked with Miss C. up front and got to see her new transformation from a recent surgery.  Of course she looks great and seeing what Dr. A. can do her makes me want to add a few requests to my list.  Especially the underchin lipo - if you've ever read my Memoirs of a Fizzled Firecracker blog in this post or in another post where I mistakenly thought I was going to have to have a whole next life just to fix it, they are about being the #1 insecurity I have about myself.  Seeing Miss C. have it done and finally knowing who I can go to in order to have it done is starting to give me the courage to not only put it on my wish list, but to go after it - after the money part is worked out of course.  Now if only I can find someone to replace my teeth at the same time....

How I feel with my pumped up boobs...

I've been hit with the word 'bitchy' lately.

Don't get me wrong.  I can be a bitch.  A big one.  I'm definitly not as nice and quiet as I used to be.
But I missed the part where I became the only bitch in the group?  Like when I'm compared to someone else, it's an automatic default that I'm the bitchy one.

I'm a very tolerant person and let a lot of things slide right off my back.  I don't get offended easily - unless Jeremy says something weird and then my girly senses kick in - and I don't discriminate against much.  I always give what I can and will often break my back to help someone else out, even when I'm fighting my own battle against cancer.  I have great qualities, and I thought that is what people always saw in me.  But for some reason, no one sees that in me any more.

I'm sure it's my fault.  I'm sure I said the wrong thing or popped off at someone when I shouldn't have.  I can blame it on other things if I tried - like my stress levels, the fact I ran out of hormone patches because I couldn't afford them, other people's actions, the dog. etc., but they're just excuses.  Part of my brain just doesn't have the patience or empathy to deal with people that do something mean or hurtful to me and it just flies off the handle.  I no longer feel the urge to not express myself when something makes me angry or sad.  I do still watch what I say and will keep some things to myself forever - but that wall is coming down.

Part of me wants to stop it.  Part me wants to pull in my own reigns until I'm calmly trotting along.  No one has the 'right' to be a bitch, but sometimes - in my own head - I can see why I am.  I don't put up with BS anymore.  I don't like excuses or lies.  No - having cancer doesn't give me permission to be a bitch to anyone, but I would hope on some level people would see why I've changed.  I got cancer - twice - in my life.  Without sounding cliche, life is too short take crap from people and not express how I feel.  Yes I may need to pull it back some, I know, but I'll never be meek or docile again.  Like the old saying goes - "A bitch is just a nice person who got sick of all the crap" - or something like that.

I hope my family and friends can still love me and appreciate the good qualities I still have.  I hope they remember I have a very warm and welcoming side to me and that I'll still do what I can for them.  But in return, I just ask that when I'm having a 'bitchy day', don't label me the bitch for the rest of my life because of it.

Today, one year ago, I was told I had breast cancer.

In February of last year, I felt a lump in my breast.  After Tyler clinics ran tests but still didn’t give me any answers, I called my pedi oncologists in tears.  He personally recommended me to Dr. L. and got me in 3 days later for a biopsy.  Within the week, it was confirmed I had cancer – again.

From here Dr. L. had a consult with me and my family.  She was surprisingly calm through the whole thing – even though my family was clearly on edge.  It’s like she already had all the answers and kept trying to reassure me that everything would – eventually – be ok.  She kept asking me what I wanted and made sure I was on the path that would work for me.  I told her I didn’t mind the long trips and miles put on the car – as long as she would take me in and get me through it all.

She then referred me to Dr. S. for chemotherapy and Herceptin.  He is a great doctor too, and I’m so glad I got to have him watch over my care.  I don’t know why he likes me so much, but it always makes me feel special when I see him.

After the seemingly endless round of chemo and drugs, I was then referred to Dr. A. for my reconstruction after my mastectomy.  I met with him a few times and discussed my options after surgery.  I definitely opted for reconstruction – somehow I thought it might bring me closer to feeling ‘normal’ again.

In August I had a double mastectomy.  Dr. L. came to see me after the surgery and told me they believe they got it all since the cancer hadn’t spread and none of my other organs or lymph nodes tested positive for it.  I felt such relief and felt like it was a huge hurdle I just jumped over and cleared.  The next phase would be finishing the Herceptin therapy and rebuilding the breasts that now resembled something out of a Frankenstein movie.

Dr. A. has taken great care of me during the reconstruction phase.  He has faithfully stuck by my side even when one complication after another has popped up.  He has calmed my frazzled nerves every time I try to panic or go flat out nuts.  He always flashes me one of his pretty smiles, pats my hand or my shoulder, and assures me it’ll work out.  And I’ll be damned if I don’t believe it every time.  The ladies up front always greet me and chat with me when I come in like they have known me for years.  I always feel at home in the office – like I can be myself and they won’t think I’m crazy.

So here we are a year later.  I’m done with chemo, but have a few more Herceptin therapies to go.  Then two more surgeries and I’ll have my implants.  Fighting leukemia took a lot longer before hitting some sort of finish line, so it almost feels like something is unfinished now?  Can I officially say I’m done after my implants?  At what point do things go back to normal?  At what point can I say I’m done with this part of my life and can do something else? 

Happy anniversary/re-birthday to me.