I've been hit with the word 'bitchy' lately.

Don't get me wrong.  I can be a bitch.  A big one.  I'm definitly not as nice and quiet as I used to be.
But I missed the part where I became the only bitch in the group?  Like when I'm compared to someone else, it's an automatic default that I'm the bitchy one.

I'm a very tolerant person and let a lot of things slide right off my back.  I don't get offended easily - unless Jeremy says something weird and then my girly senses kick in - and I don't discriminate against much.  I always give what I can and will often break my back to help someone else out, even when I'm fighting my own battle against cancer.  I have great qualities, and I thought that is what people always saw in me.  But for some reason, no one sees that in me any more.

I'm sure it's my fault.  I'm sure I said the wrong thing or popped off at someone when I shouldn't have.  I can blame it on other things if I tried - like my stress levels, the fact I ran out of hormone patches because I couldn't afford them, other people's actions, the dog. etc., but they're just excuses.  Part of my brain just doesn't have the patience or empathy to deal with people that do something mean or hurtful to me and it just flies off the handle.  I no longer feel the urge to not express myself when something makes me angry or sad.  I do still watch what I say and will keep some things to myself forever - but that wall is coming down.

Part of me wants to stop it.  Part me wants to pull in my own reigns until I'm calmly trotting along.  No one has the 'right' to be a bitch, but sometimes - in my own head - I can see why I am.  I don't put up with BS anymore.  I don't like excuses or lies.  No - having cancer doesn't give me permission to be a bitch to anyone, but I would hope on some level people would see why I've changed.  I got cancer - twice - in my life.  Without sounding cliche, life is too short take crap from people and not express how I feel.  Yes I may need to pull it back some, I know, but I'll never be meek or docile again.  Like the old saying goes - "A bitch is just a nice person who got sick of all the crap" - or something like that.

I hope my family and friends can still love me and appreciate the good qualities I still have.  I hope they remember I have a very warm and welcoming side to me and that I'll still do what I can for them.  But in return, I just ask that when I'm having a 'bitchy day', don't label me the bitch for the rest of my life because of it.

Today, one year ago, I was told I had breast cancer.

In February of last year, I felt a lump in my breast.  After Tyler clinics ran tests but still didn’t give me any answers, I called my pedi oncologists in tears.  He personally recommended me to Dr. L. and got me in 3 days later for a biopsy.  Within the week, it was confirmed I had cancer – again.

From here Dr. L. had a consult with me and my family.  She was surprisingly calm through the whole thing – even though my family was clearly on edge.  It’s like she already had all the answers and kept trying to reassure me that everything would – eventually – be ok.  She kept asking me what I wanted and made sure I was on the path that would work for me.  I told her I didn’t mind the long trips and miles put on the car – as long as she would take me in and get me through it all.

She then referred me to Dr. S. for chemotherapy and Herceptin.  He is a great doctor too, and I’m so glad I got to have him watch over my care.  I don’t know why he likes me so much, but it always makes me feel special when I see him.

After the seemingly endless round of chemo and drugs, I was then referred to Dr. A. for my reconstruction after my mastectomy.  I met with him a few times and discussed my options after surgery.  I definitely opted for reconstruction – somehow I thought it might bring me closer to feeling ‘normal’ again.

In August I had a double mastectomy.  Dr. L. came to see me after the surgery and told me they believe they got it all since the cancer hadn’t spread and none of my other organs or lymph nodes tested positive for it.  I felt such relief and felt like it was a huge hurdle I just jumped over and cleared.  The next phase would be finishing the Herceptin therapy and rebuilding the breasts that now resembled something out of a Frankenstein movie.

Dr. A. has taken great care of me during the reconstruction phase.  He has faithfully stuck by my side even when one complication after another has popped up.  He has calmed my frazzled nerves every time I try to panic or go flat out nuts.  He always flashes me one of his pretty smiles, pats my hand or my shoulder, and assures me it’ll work out.  And I’ll be damned if I don’t believe it every time.  The ladies up front always greet me and chat with me when I come in like they have known me for years.  I always feel at home in the office – like I can be myself and they won’t think I’m crazy.

So here we are a year later.  I’m done with chemo, but have a few more Herceptin therapies to go.  Then two more surgeries and I’ll have my implants.  Fighting leukemia took a lot longer before hitting some sort of finish line, so it almost feels like something is unfinished now?  Can I officially say I’m done after my implants?  At what point do things go back to normal?  At what point can I say I’m done with this part of my life and can do something else? 

Happy anniversary/re-birthday to me.

A quick trip to Dallas today.

Today my only visit was with Dr. A. and PA.  Today he looked at how they were healing and softening up and then he gave me ‘that look’.  That look you get when things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to and it’s probably my fault…
Yeah I’m guilty of not massaging the skin and tissues surrounding my expanders enough.  The point of massaging them is to get the tissues to soften up and be more pliable and heal better.  But let’s face it – that hurts.  When I massage them, I know I’m too gentle with them and resist digging deep into the skin.  In fact, I actually started doing that last week and then the muscles in the left one started spasming like crazy – like I angered the beast and it was trying to escape.  So of course Dr. A. told me they needed to be softer and needed to be massaged more.  He asked if I wanted to skip the pump today, but of course I was gonna take it while I could.  Although PA pumped me up today, I now don’t have to go back until 2 weeks, which will hopefully allow me to massage them more and give them a little time to do what they’re supposed to.  My first surgery is set for May 5^th, and I know Dr. A. is making sure I’m at the right size before that day comes.  He always jokes with me about getting bigger sizes and although I’m not going to get something crazy – like Triple Ds or something – I figured I earned something a little bigger than what I had before.  I’m coming out of this ordeal bigger and better!

I told the ladies up front that I only have 3 more Herceptin therapies until I am finished (whoot!), and I love that they have planned a small celebration for me.  It makes me feel so special and loves *sniffles* and it will be fun to celebrate with someone since I’ll probably come to that visit by myself.

Before I left for the day, I dropped a card and small gift off to Dr. L. in her office.  I knew she would be seeing patients all day, but I hope she got it when she was through.  February one year ago is when she told me I had breast cancer.  She was the first one in the ‘team’ to start caring for me and working toward treatment.  The card is just a thank you note and some sappy words, so it probably sounds really corny.  But I wanted her to know I am grateful for her and for her being a part of my ‘team’. 

 

Massages are supposed to be relaxing - not spasming.

 

Another day spent in Dallas.

I had an early appointment first with Dr. R., who had no new news as to why I'm still having 'gastric distress' this far after chemo.  All my tests have come back normal and even a few rounds of antibiotics haven't made a difference.  I'm starting to think it is all in my head.  But he assures me that he doesn't think that and has a few more ideas to try and relieve my symptoms.  He discussed that the liver ultrasound showed some fatty deposits, which I already knew were there.  He suggested a healthy diet and losing weight to help with that.  I think he just lost some points with me.

After lunch I went to the infusion center for my next Herceptin treatment.  They were running behind today, so I got to watch some classic Law and Order: SVU while I waited.  My labs came back normal, except that my RBCs are down, making me a little anemic.  They've been down for the past few sessions, so I'm not sure if this is a temporary thing or not?  I guess we'll just have to see how they look at the next infusion.  Which - according to my strategic planning and observation, I only have 3 more Herceptin infusions to go and I am done!  I gotta figure out a way to party and celebrate!

And last but not least I stopped for an appointment with Dr. A. and his PA.  I think he's trying to get away with only making 'guest appearances' during his appointments.  I like his PA and the rest of the staff - I just hate the feeling that the DR is trying to distance themselves from you.  I already feel like Dr. L. is trying to do that, now Dr.A. might be next.  But I'm a big girl!  Big girls don't cry!  Or something like that.
He told me I haven't been massaging my boobs enough, which I kind of knew.  Well really I'm just too gentle with them - like I'm gonna break them or something.  Oh yeah and it's painful trying to deep tissue massage these bad boys when it feels like they got a 3 pound rock in each one.  But if they don't soften up then I won't be ready for my first surgery - so I will conquer this hurdle too.  *evil laugh here*
PA pumped my boobs up some more this time and I got to talk to her about my treatments, the upcoming surgery and any funny Dr. A. stories I could think of.  I have a few.

I usually leave my doctor appointments in Dallas in a very good mood.  Most of the time they start out good and always end on a good note.  I can't say enough how much I love the care I get there - from all of my doctors.  I know that no one has any idea who I am there, but I always feel like a celebrity when I walk in.  Like "this is my hospital and I'm glad to be here - bitches!"  If I had any idea of how it would work, I've often thought about moving to Dallas and working for the hospital, because some part of my brain says it's a great idea and that I'd be Da Bomb at anything I do there.  Hell I already act like I own the place now!

I had such a great day in Dallas today!

It started with a liver ultrasound for Dr. R.  With my new insurance, my portion of the procedure would cost $150.  However, I knew I had met my deductible already, so I had them re-run it.  My portion for the visit was reduce to $30!  Score one for me!

When I got to the hospital, I stopped in to see an old friend, D., who knew me when I had cancer the first time.  It was good to see her and tell her everything that has been going on.  It was a nice blast from the past that just added to my good day.

My next visit of the day had me shaking.  I was called to see my endocrinologist, Dr. B., because he is putting me on a new, more concentrated, insulin. He took the time to explain a new regimen to use, how to draw the new syringes and how to factor the now very concentrated doses.  It was kind of overwhelming and scary, but I took notes and hopefully will catch on soon.  Dr. B. also gave me some great coupons so the insulin won't cost an arm and a leg at the pharmacy.  Phew!
At the end of our session, Dr. B. asked if I had any questions or problems.  I told him how bad I feel for needing such high doses of insulin - like I'm failing at managing my numbers or something.  I asked him if I had to be one of the worst cases he's seen since I'm using such high doses of insulin a day.  He just laughed at me and said that he sees cases like me all the time in his office.  Now if I go to a regular, general medicine office, they might be a little taken aback or shocked.

My last visit for the day, as usual, was with Dr. A. and a boob pumping session.  Ok I admit that sounds weird.  Anyways.
Right now we're in the process of pumping the expanders up and getting them ready for surgery.  He thinks we're getting close to what they need to be, which in a weird way makes me excited.  I've had many people tell me I already look like I did before my surgery, which feels pretty good.  Call me shallow, but I'm ready to have big boobs again!  Dr. A. says that they are coming along nice and we are on track for surgery.  He talked a little more with me about the first surgery to do the fat grafting and what to expect.  I'm ready to get it on the books and start making plans.  It's all starting to feel o real now!
The day was already going great and I was surprisingly in a good mood, but I always leave Dr. A.'s office feeling awesome and even a little bit special.  I think I'll be a little sad when the time comes that I won't have to come back anymore. Noooooo!