Whoot!  Another day spent in Dallas!

I had a ot planned for today, but I've been shuffling around a lot of my appointments for the new year.  So today I kept it simply and just had my Herceptin and saw Dr. A.

I was so proud of myself!  I actually left the house on time, made quick pit stops, and made it on time to my infusion appointment.  On top of that, the pharmacy didn't have any delays processing the Herceptin, so I actually started on time!  Ha ha
Luckily the infusion is only 45 minutes, so Ihad time to relax, watch some TV and crochet some of those past due Christmas presents I was telling you about.

As an added bonus, I was actually on time to my appointment with Dr. A.!  If you know me, this is an impossible feat for some reason.  I'm almost always late for some reason of another, such as the traffic, another doctor runs late, I'm arguing with the financial lady or the Herceptin doesn't get started on time.  But not today because I was actually early!  I didn't even care that he was running behind because, again, I had projects to work on, so I welcomed the downtime.  I was even more excite when he came in and after checking me over, asked if I was up for a fill this visit.  Heck yes I was!  I told him that is the whole reason I drive all that way to Dallas- well the Herceptin is a big factor too and I have other doctor appointments, but still -  you know.
So he pumped me up another inch this time and thank God it did not hurt as much afterwards as the last pumping did.  I mean I was sore, but I didn't curse having boobs this time.  To get back to the size I want, I calculated he'll be filling them up until the end of March, which just means he is stuck with me a little longer.  I know he always tells me to be patient and to take it slow, but I always tease him that he's gotta be ready to be rid of me soon.  Not that I'm not a hoot to have around...Ha!

Before I left I got him to take some photos with me.  Since Dr. S. is leaving soon, I've decided to take photos of everyone that is taking care of me and create some sort of timeline or album of this 'journey'.  Lol maybe they won't be smiling at the end of it all?  Just kidding.
After all, my resolution this year is to get more photos of myself, so I'm going to start including those around me too.

The only disappointment to my day was that I got stuck in Dallas traffic, so I didn't get to make it to the Russell Stover's outlet before they closed.  I guess I can go another few weeks without buying any chocolate, but I hate missing the clearance on Christmas candy!  lol

I'm posting these because they're so stinking cute.  But if Dr. A. ever reads this thing and objects, I'll take them down....

I call this one the "Zoolander Face"

My showing off the new boobs he's working on for me  lol

And one for the photo albums  ^.^

Christmas was different this year.

Don't get me wrong - it was still great.  I had fun spending time with my family and cooking with my mom.  We rented a lake house in the area and Jeremy and I spent the night there.  I just felt like I didn't get to do enough for everyone this year.

My family has been very supportive of me this year and at Christmas I had hoped to be back on my feet enough to try and repay some of that back.  I had visions of great presents to get for them and foods I could cook I knew they liked.  But as December drew closer, I noticed very few presents had been bought and I was way behind on making the ones I said I would make myself.  I can't tell you how bad I felt wrapping up a fancy I.O.U. for a scarf or blanket I was still making for someone.  They laughed it off and said it was ok, but I was still disappointed in myself.  I never want my family to think I don't appreciate them in any way.  I was able to buy everything I needed to make sausage balls and trashy crackers and even a cake, so I was able to make some sort of contribution.

My family was very generous to me this Christmas.  I can't begin to describe my shock and disbelief at some of the items given to me.  I cried a few times, which totally ruined my 'bad ass tough' exterior.  I always tell myself to send thank you notes, and always try to remind myself as time goes by.  I'm sure I will remember and be able to buy stamps - in March.  Ugh.

But all in all I am thankful to celebrate another Christmas with my family and have a little bit of hair grown back to keep my head warm.  I know the new year is coming and I'm so ready for it!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Sometimes I over-think things.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes it can get my hopes up.  Others times it just makes me more sad or more angry.

I’m thinking about a recent encounter I had with one of my doctors.  Now don’t get me wrong – I love all of my doctors and am eternally grateful for all the help and support they’ve given me this year.  One in particular I feel is pulling away from me, and maybe she is starting to detach herself from me.  I think that’s normal – not all doctors have a bond or relationship with their patients forever.  Sometimes I feel like when I see her lately, it’s all business and it’s no longer personal.  But I’m a big girl and can handle that.

I went for a follow up recently.  She came in and smiled and greeted me.  I’m 5 months past chemo and 3 months past mastectomy, so I feel like I’m steadily getting back to normal.  She complimented my newly growing hair and I smiled and just replied “Oh I hate it being this short.  I feel like I look like a man.”  This is what I normally say about my hair mainly because I miss the long, flowing hair I used to have.  Plus it makes me feel better to crack a joke about being manly-looking and hear the other person gush about how cute they think it looks.  But the doctor looked at me, kind of snuffed and said “Well at least you have hair!”

I don’t know what went through me at that moment, but I almost felt like she was shaming me for being unhappy about my hair.  I honestly didn’t know what to say back to her.  I just kind of laughed it off and didn’t say much else.  Was she telling me to stop complaining?  Was she trying to remind me to be grateful?  Was I acting ungrateful?

Part of me was bummed out because I felt like I’d done something wrong.  Maybe I shouldn’t have complained?  Maybe I sounded too whiny?  But as the day went on and I had more appointments to go to, I thought – Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being a little unhappy about things.  After all, I’ve just finished several huge milestones from a second type of cancer in my life.  Although I was strong enough to get through it and come out smelling somewhat like a rose, I have a right to be unhappy about the circumstances I’ve been put in – or what has come out of them.  I did my fight with chemo and a major surgery, so if I want to whine a little about missing my hair that I did not voluntarily give up, then let me be.  I have a right to some grievances after walking through hell and back this year.

Ok so it probably all sounds a little dramatic.  But I told you – I tend to over-think a lot of things.  Again, just let me have my spill and I’ll be better.  I promise.

This past Wednesday I went in for an EGD, or an upper GI scope.  I was supposed to do this months ago since the chemo has given me a lot of gastric problems, but I was dealing with other things and waited until I finally got back on feet - healthwise.

The procedure was simple enough, but I had never had one done so I wasn't totally sure what to expect.  Jeremy had finally come home off the truck the night before so I was excited to have someone else drive me up there.  Once there, I was registered and taken back to a holding area.  My heart rate and blood pressure started to go up when I knew the IV was coming.  They never access my port for some reason and they look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them some of my veins are no good.  After some negotiating with the nurse, they finally got a vein on my wrist and my anxiety was nearly gone - heck that's usually the scariest part of any procedure for me.

But then they wheeled me into the procedure room and my anxiety returned.  I was greeted by Dr. R., who I hadn't seen since before my surgery.  He is just as sweet as Dr. S. - he said hello and asked me how I was doing.  He asked how my surgery went and how I was recovering.  He finally asked if I was ready for the scope and assured me that he would take good care of me.  Dr. R. got me prepped and I saw them preparing the scope when my heart started to race.  I started to panic when one of the nurses behind me said "Here we go!".  What she meant was that she was running the anesthesi meds through my IV at that moment and I think I remember saying "Whoooo it's working", counting to 2 and was totally out.

I woke up in a recovery area where the nurse brought me water and juice.  Dr. R. came by, and I think he said everything was fine and to follow up with him in a few weeks (I say I think because I remember drifting in and out between snores, so I'm not entirely sure he wasn't a figment of my imagination).

Jeremy drove me home and I slept most of the time after that.  We managed to do a little Christmas shopping that night, but I ended up going to bed early.

Although the day started off on the wrong foot, it did have it's ups and downs before ending on a good note :-)  I spent the previous night up til late baking cookies, making trashy crackers and making gifts for the doctors, nurses and staff.  It was fun and I look forward to seeing their faces when I deliver them to the office ^.^

The day started with me being late to my first appointment.  And I spent forever circling the parking lot just searching for a space.  Ugh.  But - we move on...

My first appointment of the day was with Dr. L. for a regular follow up.  Her staff was very happy with their gifts, even if they were corny.  Dr. L. checked me over real fast and said everything was pretty much done.  I didn’t have any more complications from surgery and I won’t need any more after care.  Whoo hoo!  So I see her again in 3 months – we’re edging our way out to sporadic, but regular follow ups J

Of course before I left her office, I was cornered by the financial lady.  She informed me that between Dr. L.’s office and Dr. S.’s office, I owe about $5,000.  No I’m not making light of my debt, but considered I had 6 rounds of $20,000 chemo and a double mastectomy recently, $5,000 seems like a drop in the bucket of money they didn’t get paid.  After some haggling, I agreed to pay about $100 a month on a payment plan for the next year to help bring down the amount I owe.  I guess it’s all about that bank.

My next appointment was that afternoon was with Dr. S.  It was here I got the horrible news that this sweet old man is retiring and moving all the way to Oregon!  I wanted to cry right there in the office.  He explained that he will be here until March and then he’s joining a research team up there as well as moving closer to his family.  He kept saying how much he will me miss me and that I had to come visit some time (ha ha).  Dr. S. told me about another DR. that will take over my care, Dr. C. and that he comes highly recommended as well.  Dr. S. must have hugged me 6 times before I left. *sobs*  It’s a good thing I crocheted him a scarf as a Christmas gift since he’ll need it when he moves up north. I gave my give to his nurse and left more cookies and trashy crackers for the rest of the office.  Dr. S. said I am doing great and is pleased to see I’ve come out of chemo and everything else with little after effects.  I will keep doing the Herceptin until March and then they will schedule regular follow ups to keep an eye on me – with my new DR.
I had a long talk with Dr. S. about my fears of breast cancer coming back.  He assured me again that he’s confident in the treatment we’ve done so far, but I stressed to him that if it ever comes back, and it looks bad – to not give up on me.  I told him to tell the DR that will see me next that I don’t want to be told that’s it or that there’s nothing else we can do.  I want them to do everything possible to me – even if it means putting me through hell – because I couldn’t handle just sitting around waiting to die.  He got a little teary on me, but then told me that he would never let that happen to me and that they would always keep fighting with me.  He talked about how there’s always new therapies and treatments emerging, and new ones are available all the time for all cancers and stages.  And while he doesn’t think anything will happen after this, he will make sure that if anything does, they will be there for me and keep me going on the war path.

I made the mistake of being early to Dr. S.’s office, so the financial lady in this office cornered me too.  I explained to her that I had already set up a payment plan with Dr. L.’s office, but she told me it wasn’t enough to pay off the debt I owed.  She stressed that I needed to pay $267 a month to pay off my debt in 12-18 months.  When I asked what the rush was on paying my account, especially since I wasn’t even finished with treatment, she told me they try to collect all the money they can before the fiscal year is over.  So it all comes down to that money – because I’m so sure the hospital is doomed to go under if I don’t have the $5,000 I owe them in 12-18 months.  I didn’t meant o get rough, but I finally told her that she’ll just have to send my accounts to collections because I don’t have near the amount of money they want and I’m tired of explaining that to them and being badgered for it.  When I left the lady’s eyes were glossed over, like she might start crying.  I felt bad because I don’t like being a bitch (contrary to popular belief), but then again I wasn’t sorry because I felt like they should just let me be for now.  I was torn on how to feel at that point.

After my Herceptin infusion, my last appointment for the day was with Dr. A. – yay!  I had a few gifts for his office too, as well as more cookies and crackers.  The girl up front even started crying.  Wow Dr. A. liked his scarf too and felt the need to model it around the office while checking me over.  I was so glad to see that when I returned this time I have NO MORE necrotic skin on my incisions and everything is completely healed up!  Whoo hoo!  Dr. A. was happy with the progress too, which makes me smile more.  Aaaannnnnnndd he said we could pump up this visit!  Even though the needle always makes my heart jump out of my chest, I’m still excited to keep moving forward.  Before I leave he discusses the implant surgery with me a little more and a little bit of what to expect.  Again, I beg him to suck out my double chin while he’s in there working, but of course he just smiles at me and, like Jeremy does, tells me I look fine the way I am.  Bah.  I told him what size I wanted to be again and asked if it was possible.  He said it was doable, but it’ll take several more pumps before we get there.  He said he won’t pump me up all at once because he wants to make sure I keep coming back and don’t find another surgeon.  Hardy har har :-P   I left his office feeling so much better about my day and actually a little hopeful about the next few months.
Oh yeah and in case I forgot to mention, this is what the needle that pumps up my expanders looks like.  Scary! 

 

I felt good about how the day went, despite the bumps along the way.  I really felt in the Christmas spirit – delivering gifts, baking cookies and trashy crackers and just seeing everyone smile and say ‘oh you didn’t have to do that!’.  Lol  I haven’t lost that Christmas joy this year, despite everything that has happened.