The past few weeks have been a real roller coaster of emotions for me.  But after my appointments on Tuesday, I was finally flying on Cloud 9!  lol

The day started when I woke up late and got stuck behind a wreck on Hwy 80.  So of course I was late to my first appointment.  My first appointment was with my endocrinologist, Dr. B.  He put me on a new insulin over two months ago and it has been working great for me!  My numbers are looking better and are finally staying on track.  I'm so happy to finally find the combination that works for me.  Plus - I somehow had a credit on my account so I didn't have to pay the full copay.  Whoo hoo!

My second appointment of the day was with Dr. R. the gastro DR.  Luckily, my gastric symptoms have improved so much, but we are not sure how?  He was so happy about my progress and thinks many of the gastric symptoms I had during chemo are finally starting to go away.  So now he is going to focus on my liver functions and see if he can try and figure out what the other liver DR tried to find with all the biopsies and scans.

I was starving by then and was happy to get some spaghetti for lunch from the Lots-a-Pasta downstairs.  Sweet!

Then I went to my Herceptin infusion - my second to last one!  The nurse I had today was super nice and talked a lot with me.  It just added to my good mood and made me feel great.  She watched SVU with me and joked about driving in Dallas traffic, like I have to do.  When I was finished there, it felt great knowing I only have to do that one more time!

My last appointment of the day - of course with Dr. A.  He was in such a good mood this visit, so it put me in such a good mood too!  Today I wasn't getting another fill since I've reach the right size, so he just checked them today and talked a little bit about the first upcoming surgery.  I then told him how badly I wanted to have chin lipo done at some point too - and I would even pay for it myself since insurance won't.  Dr. A. seemed unsure at first but then said he would have one of the girls look into adding it to the surgery and give me a call as to what my end would cost.  I was ecstatic!  This si something I've been wanting since I was like 15 - and it could actually happen now!  Ha ha!
Before I left, Dr. A. told me that PA had baked me some cookies, but that I wasn't allowed to have them because I was diabetic.  I might have took him seriously if he wasn't eating my cookies right out of the bowl as he said it.  I told him to take a few more to save me from eating them myself, so he grabbed some before I took the bowl.  Then I reminded them my next appointment is my pre-op visit and time to party after my last infusion!  I told Dr. A. I would even bring a vegetable tray to offset the sugary stuff :-P

On the way home, I stopped at the Russell Stover's for some chocolate and then at Bucee's for a large ICEE.  By the time I got back home, I was so pooped, but so happy at the same time.  It turned out to be a good day after all.

I'm not a strong person.  I'm not Wonder Woman.  I'm not even in the least bit brave.

I'm depressed.  And it kills me to admit that because everyone sees me as such a strong person.  I'm the one that always smiles when bad things happen.  I'm the one that's always looks happy - even when I'm being bitchy - I put on a strong face.  I'm the one that can roll with the punches.  I'm the one that takes my challenges head on - no problem.

But I'm depressed.  I'm so depressed that it literally hurts everywhere and when I cry it hurts my implants.

But I can't say anything to anyone.  First they'll want to know why I'm upset - like I have to have a valid reason for it.  Then they want to pass judgement on me or put in their two cents on my problems, which just hurts more.  Then when I'm still upset after they've talked to me, they get more mad because I didn't cheer up at the motivational pep talk they just gave me.  Plus everyone thinks I'm some strong, bad ass woman who can handle anything and doesn't let things get her down.

But everything is getting me down.

I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of not having any money.  I hate stressing over what to pay and what has to be postponed.  I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own since Jeremy left.  I'm tired of not having enough time to get anything done.  I'm really sick and tired of everyone calling me a bitch - to my face - and then wanting something from me.  I'm sick of people calling me a bitch period, but they still do it.  Like it's a compliment or something.  Like if I started calling everyone names to their face it would totally be fine.  I can say mean and hurtful things too ya know - I can lash out and hurt you too if I wanted.  But the difference is I know when not to.

Tonight the final straw was that my humidifier broke.  Jeremy ordered me one for Christmas but it had to be returned and a replacement still hasn't arrived.  Now the one I've had for almost 5 years finally crapped out on me.  Just. Stopped. Working.  I lost my shit.  I went bat-crap-crazy.

So it's 4am.  My humidifier broke.  I fought with Jeremy while he is a million miles away.  I cried so hard not only do my implants hurt, but entire face as well.  I feel like I want to barf.  And I have to get up in a few hours to go to work. 

It's hard to vent because I know everyone around me has their own lives and no one has time to stop and listen.  That's not their fault that's just life.  I don't have the money to see a counselor, which I've been trying to do for over a year.  I guess I can talk to the cats or the dog, but even they don't listen very well.

I want to be strong.  I want to think that nothing can bring me down.  I want to believe that stupid things in life don't bother me.  But now I have a migraine and just want to cry some more.

Appt on Thursday this week instead of my typical Tuesday.  I was a little thrown off.

My first appt of the day was to see Dr. S. and get my next Herceptin infusion.  Dr. S. is leaving for Oregon in 2 weeks, so this was the last time I got to see him before he leaves.  I gave him a card with a small gift and a hand-written letter telling him how much I'll miss him but I am glad he gets to go do more clinical research up in Oregon.  He kept saying he would miss me too and that he has been happy to been my doctor for the last year.  He's mentioned several times that he has presented my case at seminars and workshops, so I told him if he needed me to I'd fly to Oregon to be a living prop!  Ha ha
I'm just sad I didn't get a picture of us together for my scrapbook.  I only thought about it after I was in the infusion room and it was too late to go back.  I hope the next doctor that takes on my case, Dr. C., likes me as much as Dr. S. did.

I went downstairs for my next Herceptin therapy.  After this one, I only have 2 left and then I am done!  After that is finished and I have my final breast implants, I'll be done with 'active treatment' and can finally move on!

My last appt of the day was with Dr. A. and PA for a boob pump!  Dr. A. said this would be my last pump before the upcoming surgery.  Now we wait several weeks to see how my skin and tissues form and soften around the expanders.  He's always been big about not rushing things and taking time to let things heal.  I can't tell you how many times I heard "Let's wait and see" or "You can't rush theses things" from him during recovery.  I'm nearing the finish line of all this, so I'm naturally trying to sprint to the end, but he keeps reminding me to stay steady and not rush it.  So I go back in 3 weeks to see how they're doing, and in 3 more weeks I'll have my pre-op visit for my first surgery in May.  Whoot!
Before I left I talked with Miss C. up front and got to see her new transformation from a recent surgery.  Of course she looks great and seeing what Dr. A. can do her makes me want to add a few requests to my list.  Especially the underchin lipo - if you've ever read my Memoirs of a Fizzled Firecracker blog in this post or in another post where I mistakenly thought I was going to have to have a whole next life just to fix it, they are about being the #1 insecurity I have about myself.  Seeing Miss C. have it done and finally knowing who I can go to in order to have it done is starting to give me the courage to not only put it on my wish list, but to go after it - after the money part is worked out of course.  Now if only I can find someone to replace my teeth at the same time....

How I feel with my pumped up boobs...