Another milestone for this girl!

Today marks 17 years since my stem cell transplant.  I know I've told the story a million times, but I'll say it again...

In the summer of 1999 I relapsed with leukemia.  After radiation and more chemo, I was given a stem cell transplant from an umbilical cord - from Australia!  The doctors were unsure of it's success rate, and gave me 6 months to a year at best.

It's now 17 years later - so that is some extended warranty!

Of course the radiation and chemo have left extensive after effects, such as organ problems, bone problems, diabetes, eye problems and increased susceptibility to other diseases - including my recent go round with breast cancer.  As Dr. G. once said, it's just the 'gift that keeps on giving'.  But I've also overcome many of them.  I was told I'd have learning problems and motor function problems -  but I knocked those out of my way!

A year ago marks the end of my last round of chemo and soon I'll have my last reconstruction surgery.  Something to celebrate now and something to celebrate later  ^.^

Another day of multiple doctors and multiple appointments.

The day started slow with an early start on the drive up there.  I was even in a good enough mood to stop and get some breakfast from McDonalds.  For once, I was going to be on time!  Pfft until I got behind a car wreck on Hwy 80, which put me 45 minutes late to my first appt.  Ugh

So my first appt of the day was with Dr. L.  I spent most of the visit in the waiting room and got to talk with another breast cancer patient.  When I finally got in the room, Dr. L. gave me a check over and I told her everything Dr. C. was doing for me and when my next surgery with Dr. A. is coming up.  She also gave me an order for Lymphedema therapy that I can do in Tyler - so maybe I can find some relief for my aching arm!

My next appt was with Dr. B. and talk about why sugars have been so crazy since my last surgery.  He didn't really have any answers for me, but he checked all my labs and adjusted my thyroid medicine.  He also switched me to the insulin pen instead of using the vials and syringes anymore.  Luckily my insurance covers the pens, so I didn't have to pay out of pocket for them.  But when I left Dr. B.'s office, the front desk tried to tell me I had a balance due that was sent to collections, and no one knows why I wasn't told about it?  Jeez  That's one more bill I have to sort out with their business office.

Now I had to run across the street to Dr. R.'s office for my next appt.  We discussed my gastric problems - mostly about how they keep coming and going - and Dr. R. is still stumped.  He thinks their may be a connection between my blood sugars and my gut problems, so I'm supposed to keep track of my sugars and keep a log of my symptoms.  The visit was kind of unproductive, but I still have to go back in about 2 months.

And my last visit for the day was with Dr. A. in his shiny new clinic!  I got lost finding the door at first, but I made it.  They've done construction on the office and expanded the space, so it's like a whole new place.  They've also got a lot of new people working there, but no one seems to want to share names - so I just kind of smiled at everyone and then wondered which ones wanted to check out boobs this visit.  Dr. A. came in and looked over the expanders and the areas around it.  He looked at my boobs the way I look at a scarf when I finish knitting it - I look for what went right, what areas I might have missed and what I should do next time.  My boobs are like my crafting.  lol!
Before I left we talked more about my upcoming surgery and hashed out the pre-op dates.  As of now, I'm waiting for my final surgery, and all this mess might actually be behind me??  Aw - then I won't get to make my regular trips to Dallas anymore.

I left Dr. A. a present before I left for the day.  It's been over a year since Dr. A. started treating me, so it's 'customary' for me to give my doctors a little gift as a way of saying thank you.  I know I'm a difficult patient to take on, so I always appreciate the doctors that still hang around for this long...

Last night was my 10 year high school reunion.  It was awesome!

I graduated in May of 2006.  It seemed like so long ago...

I was depressed since Jeremy was not home to go with me, but I took one of my best high school friends with me - like my date :-)  We arrived and I was put in charge of checking people in and taking their ticket money.  I got to see everyone as they came in and remember their faces - or their names, usually one or the other - and matched their graduation photo with their tickets.  

As the night went on, I got to take pics with everyone, especially some with my selfie stick!  The DJ started playing some songs from 2006 and even some of my favorites, like the Cha Cha Slide!!  Some the songs I didn't know the steps to, but it was fun getting out there and trying to keep up with everyone.  I may have looked stupid hopping around out there, but it felt good.

It was awesome getting together with everyone again and everyone was open with each other.  Everyone danced on the floor, greeted each other and just had fun.  After the depressing moth I've had, it was a great relief night that allowed me to get out of the house, interact with some other people besides my mom, and reminded me what it felt like to have fun.  The next reunion is planned for 5 years from now, and I'm gonna nominate the lake houses for the next one. 

I've spent the last year dealing with breast cancer.  My second occurrence with cancer in my life.  I had chemo, surgeries, doctor visits, time off work and high medical bills.  By now things are almost done - I only have one more surgery to go.  Things are finally coming to an end and the tireless fight is almost done.

But this is the first time I've felt depressed since it all started.

I've never been clinically depressed before, so I don't know a lot about the subject.  But I see the classic symptoms - the ones you read in the depression pamphlets.  I no longer enjoy my crafts or volunteer projects.  In fact I find myself asking "What's the point?" when looking in my craft room.  Of course I'm not sleeping well, the house is a wreck, I don't feel like going out, I might barf at any minute and the final slice of the cake is that I can't get my blood sugar back under control.

It started when I was let go from my temp job.  I haven't found work since.  And I have great employable skills - or at least I thought I did.  Countless resumes and applications have got me zilch.  The only responses I'm getting from employers is simply "You're just not a good fit for this position".  Of course I have no idea what that means.  I mean, you don't like my skills or qualifications?  Did I say something stupid in an interview?  Did my lymphedema sleeve scare you away?

I have doctor appointments, tests and a surgery coming up.  I can't bear to face any of my doctors in the sad shape I'm in.  How can I tell them that the strong patient they watched fight cancer and fight to keep herself together while still holding down a job can't even hold her head up right now.  What's the point of even scheduling a surgery now anyway?  Even if I get hired somewhere, no job will let me have time off so soon after being hired.  Besides, if I'm out of work much longer, how am I going to pay for it all?  I'm just kidding myself thinking I can just keep pushing everything forward.

So most days I sit around the house.  Sure I put in resumes and apply for jobs online.  I line up jobs that have to be applied for in person and leave the house maybe one day a week.  Twice if I have physical therapy.  At first it was a nice break getting to be home all day where I can clean, organize and even craft something.  For a while I had some joy in making drain pouches to donate to the hospital, but that soon faded.  After a while I became depressed with myself - angry even.  How could I just sit here and wait for someone to call me back about a job?  What am I not doing enough of to find work?  How could I sit here and crochet caps when I should be calling people and begging for work?  I'm beginning to lose faith in myself and doubt my own self worth.  What kind of person am I that can't get hired somewhere in this rinky dink town?  What kind of person am I that can't find work to pay her bills and contribute to her own household?  My husband is out on the road working to send me money - but what am I doing?

Sitting around crying.  That's all I seem to do these days.