Tomorrow is the big day.
Super nervous. The last time I had surgery close to this size was in 2008 when I had the two hip surgeries. But even those were pretty quick - I was only in the hospital for one day and went home to recover. But this surgery will take 6-7 hours and I'll be in the hospital for 3 days.
And the recovery is extensive - which scares me the most. I don't know if I can handle the after-care, the follow up appointments, the medicines and the stinkin' drains! Ugh I'm dreading the drains. Everyone says it's nothing compared to what I've gone through before - but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. It doesn't take away my stress or my anxiety. Ugh.
This surgery makes everything real - I have breast cancer. It's dangerous. I have to work to get rid of it and make sure it doesn't come back. It's not like a pill or chemo that you can take and over time you forget about it. I can't hide it like I did my first cancer when people were surprised I had cancer in the first place. This will be changed forever. Everyone will know. Everyone will see how it changed me.
Will I ever be seen as strong as I used to be? Will they only pity me or feel sorry for me?
I used to be seen as a tough cookie and someone that could do anything. But now that I have to have this surgery - am I still tough? Still strong? Am I still me?
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