Tales from the Flight of the Phoenix

Sometimes I over-think things.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes it can get my hopes up.  Others times it just makes me more sad or more angry.

I’m thinking about a recent encounter I had with one of my doctors.  Now don’t get me wrong – I love all of my doctors and am eternally grateful for all the help and support they’ve given me this year.  One in particular I feel is pulling away from me, and maybe she is starting to detach herself from me.  I think that’s normal – not all doctors have a bond or relationship with their patients forever.  Sometimes I feel like when I see her lately, it’s all business and it’s no longer personal.  But I’m a big girl and can handle that.

I went for a follow up recently.  She came in and smiled and greeted me.  I’m 5 months past chemo and 3 months past mastectomy, so I feel like I’m steadily getting back to normal.  She complimented my newly growing hair and I smiled and just replied “Oh I hate it being this short.  I feel like I look like a man.”  This is what I normally say about my hair mainly because I miss the long, flowing hair I used to have.  Plus it makes me feel better to crack a joke about being manly-looking and hear the other person gush about how cute they think it looks.  But the doctor looked at me, kind of snuffed and said “Well at least you have hair!”

I don’t know what went through me at that moment, but I almost felt like she was shaming me for being unhappy about my hair.  I honestly didn’t know what to say back to her.  I just kind of laughed it off and didn’t say much else.  Was she telling me to stop complaining?  Was she trying to remind me to be grateful?  Was I acting ungrateful?

Part of me was bummed out because I felt like I’d done something wrong.  Maybe I shouldn’t have complained?  Maybe I sounded too whiny?  But as the day went on and I had more appointments to go to, I thought – Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being a little unhappy about things.  After all, I’ve just finished several huge milestones from a second type of cancer in my life.  Although I was strong enough to get through it and come out smelling somewhat like a rose, I have a right to be unhappy about the circumstances I’ve been put in – or what has come out of them.  I did my fight with chemo and a major surgery, so if I want to whine a little about missing my hair that I did not voluntarily give up, then let me be.  I have a right to some grievances after walking through hell and back this year.

Ok so it probably all sounds a little dramatic.  But I told you – I tend to over-think a lot of things.  Again, just let me have my spill and I’ll be better.  I promise.