Despite what everyone thinks of me, I don't sit around and gorge on sugar, candy, fattening foods and eat nothing but carbs all day long. I just don't believe in limiting myself. I learned from Weight Watchers that it is all about moderation. That's why I have tons of candy around my house - because I can eat one or two pieces and move on. That's why I eat dessert - because I know I can balance it with my meal. That's why I still eat carbs - because my body needs them to function and I'm not going to deprive myself.
But - back to the sugars:
I've been diabetic for about a year now. I started insulin therapy last March and it took me 3 months to get my fasting sugars under 120 on a regular basis. Of course this was all during things like chemo and being sick, but still. I was ecstatic in July when my A1C was actually normal and I had kept my suagrs under control on a consistent basis. When the doctor changed my insulin, my sugars weren't what they were supposed to be even with control, so I went back to my old stuff. After that, my sugars were out of control again - and then I had my mastectomy. Once again, I spent 3 months testing with different levels of insulin until I found the right dose that got my sugars under control again. This time I lasted 3 weeks. Then the new year came and BAM my suagrs are elevated again.
I changed what I eat at night. I test before/after dinner and take mealtime insulin like I'm supposed to. Before anyone says it yeah I do forget sometimes - like if we go out to eat or if I fall asleep early.
But I am always working to monitor my blood sugar and report back to the doctor when something goes nuts. But I feel so stupid that I've been doing this for a year now and still can't get things under control. I feel like I'm supposed to know what I'm doing by now. And since I obviously don't know what I'm doing, I must not be a very good patient.
Dr. B. doesn't take any crap. He can sense when I'm lying or trying to make excuses. He's tough and a little scary, which cna be a good thing. But it also makes me scared to face him. I'm scared to tell him I'm still failing at this and can't get my act together. I don't want him to think I'm a non-compliant patient or that I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I can't beat cancer - twice. But I can't keep my blood sugar under control.
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