Don't get me wrong. I can be a bitch. A big one. I'm definitly not as nice and quiet as I used to be.
But I missed the part where I became the only bitch in the group? Like when I'm compared to someone else, it's an automatic default that I'm the bitchy one.
I'm a very tolerant person and let a lot of things slide right off my back. I don't get offended easily - unless Jeremy says something weird and then my girly senses kick in - and I don't discriminate against much. I always give what I can and will often break my back to help someone else out, even when I'm fighting my own battle against cancer. I have great qualities, and I thought that is what people always saw in me. But for some reason, no one sees that in me any more.
I'm sure it's my fault. I'm sure I said the wrong thing or popped off at someone when I shouldn't have. I can blame it on other things if I tried - like my stress levels, the fact I ran out of hormone patches because I couldn't afford them, other people's actions, the dog. etc., but they're just excuses. Part of my brain just doesn't have the patience or empathy to deal with people that do something mean or hurtful to me and it just flies off the handle. I no longer feel the urge to not express myself when something makes me angry or sad. I do still watch what I say and will keep some things to myself forever - but that wall is coming down.
Part of me wants to stop it. Part me wants to pull in my own reigns until I'm calmly trotting along. No one has the 'right' to be a bitch, but sometimes - in my own head - I can see why I am. I don't put up with BS anymore. I don't like excuses or lies. No - having cancer doesn't give me permission to be a bitch to anyone, but I would hope on some level people would see why I've changed. I got cancer - twice - in my life. Without sounding cliche, life is too short take crap from people and not express how I feel. Yes I may need to pull it back some, I know, but I'll never be meek or docile again. Like the old saying goes - "A bitch is just a nice person who got sick of all the crap" - or something like that.
I hope my family and friends can still love me and appreciate the good qualities I still have. I hope they remember I have a very warm and welcoming side to me and that I'll still do what I can for them. But in return, I just ask that when I'm having a 'bitchy day', don't label me the bitch for the rest of my life because of it.
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