I'm depressed. And it kills me to admit that because everyone sees me as such a strong person. I'm the one that always smiles when bad things happen. I'm the one that's always looks happy - even when I'm being bitchy - I put on a strong face. I'm the one that can roll with the punches. I'm the one that takes my challenges head on - no problem.
But I'm depressed. I'm so depressed that it literally hurts everywhere and when I cry it hurts my implants.
But I can't say anything to anyone. First they'll want to know why I'm upset - like I have to have a valid reason for it. Then they want to pass judgement on me or put in their two cents on my problems, which just hurts more. Then when I'm still upset after they've talked to me, they get more mad because I didn't cheer up at the motivational pep talk they just gave me. Plus everyone thinks I'm some strong, bad ass woman who can handle anything and doesn't let things get her down.
But everything is getting me down.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not having any money. I hate stressing over what to pay and what has to be postponed. I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own since Jeremy left. I'm tired of not having enough time to get anything done. I'm really sick and tired of everyone calling me a bitch - to my face - and then wanting something from me. I'm sick of people calling me a bitch period, but they still do it. Like it's a compliment or something. Like if I started calling everyone names to their face it would totally be fine. I can say mean and hurtful things too ya know - I can lash out and hurt you too if I wanted. But the difference is I know when not to.
Tonight the final straw was that my humidifier broke. Jeremy ordered me one for Christmas but it had to be returned and a replacement still hasn't arrived. Now the one I've had for almost 5 years finally crapped out on me. Just. Stopped. Working. I lost my shit. I went bat-crap-crazy.
So it's 4am. My humidifier broke. I fought with Jeremy while he is a million miles away. I cried so hard not only do my implants hurt, but entire face as well. I feel like I want to barf. And I have to get up in a few hours to go to work.
It's hard to vent because I know everyone around me has their own lives and no one has time to stop and listen. That's not their fault that's just life. I don't have the money to see a counselor, which I've been trying to do for over a year. I guess I can talk to the cats or the dog, but even they don't listen very well.
I want to be strong. I want to think that nothing can bring me down. I want to believe that stupid things in life don't bother me. But now I have a migraine and just want to cry some more.
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