Tales from the Flight of the Phoenix

I've spent the last year dealing with breast cancer.  My second occurrence with cancer in my life.  I had chemo, surgeries, doctor visits, time off work and high medical bills.  By now things are almost done - I only have one more surgery to go.  Things are finally coming to an end and the tireless fight is almost done.

But this is the first time I've felt depressed since it all started.

I've never been clinically depressed before, so I don't know a lot about the subject.  But I see the classic symptoms - the ones you read in the depression pamphlets.  I no longer enjoy my crafts or volunteer projects.  In fact I find myself asking "What's the point?" when looking in my craft room.  Of course I'm not sleeping well, the house is a wreck, I don't feel like going out, I might barf at any minute and the final slice of the cake is that I can't get my blood sugar back under control.

It started when I was let go from my temp job.  I haven't found work since.  And I have great employable skills - or at least I thought I did.  Countless resumes and applications have got me zilch.  The only responses I'm getting from employers is simply "You're just not a good fit for this position".  Of course I have no idea what that means.  I mean, you don't like my skills or qualifications?  Did I say something stupid in an interview?  Did my lymphedema sleeve scare you away?

I have doctor appointments, tests and a surgery coming up.  I can't bear to face any of my doctors in the sad shape I'm in.  How can I tell them that the strong patient they watched fight cancer and fight to keep herself together while still holding down a job can't even hold her head up right now.  What's the point of even scheduling a surgery now anyway?  Even if I get hired somewhere, no job will let me have time off so soon after being hired.  Besides, if I'm out of work much longer, how am I going to pay for it all?  I'm just kidding myself thinking I can just keep pushing everything forward.

So most days I sit around the house.  Sure I put in resumes and apply for jobs online.  I line up jobs that have to be applied for in person and leave the house maybe one day a week.  Twice if I have physical therapy.  At first it was a nice break getting to be home all day where I can clean, organize and even craft something.  For a while I had some joy in making drain pouches to donate to the hospital, but that soon faded.  After a while I became depressed with myself - angry even.  How could I just sit here and wait for someone to call me back about a job?  What am I not doing enough of to find work?  How could I sit here and crochet caps when I should be calling people and begging for work?  I'm beginning to lose faith in myself and doubt my own self worth.  What kind of person am I that can't get hired somewhere in this rinky dink town?  What kind of person am I that can't find work to pay her bills and contribute to her own household?  My husband is out on the road working to send me money - but what am I doing?

Sitting around crying.  That's all I seem to do these days.