It's been a long time since I posted anything. Sometimes life is overwhelming and I forget to log in. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel/what happened is worth posting about. It goes up and down a lot.
Last summer I was very depressed after my last phase of reconstructive surgery. I wasn't happy with the result and I felt like my surgeon wasn't listening to me. I constantly brought up issues like the size they were supposed to be, necrotic tissue and the overall feeling that they were not molded or shaped the right way. I felt deformed. I acknowledge that the job was probably done correctly, but the overall product was not what we expected - like a loaf of bread that was baked correctly and looks pretty on the outside, but if you cut it open it's full of holes and undercooked dough. Many people told me I looked fine and that there was nothing wrong with my final 'results', which made me feel even worse about being unhappy. I spent several months in a slump and unsure about what to do next.
One of my best moves was to start seeing a therapist. After everything this cancer chapter has put me through, it was refreshing to talk with someone who doesn't judge me or try to make me change how I feel. I let out all the emotions I've been feeling and talked about my desire to 'fix' my broken self - inside and out. Which led me to my next venture - getting a second opinion for reconstruction.
In November of 2017 I went out to find a second opinion on my reconstructive surgery. I was beaming with hope and just knew someone was going to validate how I was feeling. Well - I was wrong. The surgeon examined me and asked about my previous surgeries. I told him what I didn't like and what I thought - in my opinion - could hopefully be fixed. In the end, he flatly told me that "it really is a nice job" and that there was nothing he could, or would, do to them. He mentioned a clinical trial in Houston for bigger breast implants at the reconstructive clinic there and told me I could look into their program. After that, he sent me on my way. Needless to say, I left his office in tears and feeling more confused than ever.
I spent the next several weeks in a slump. I felt like there was nothing else to try and even attempting to see another surgeon would be a waste. My husband encouraged me to call the program in Houston and try to find out as much information as I could. Finally I got the courage to call and I was connected to the reconstructive clinic for registration. They asked a lot of questions and asked for records, but eventually I was given my own MRN and made an appointment.
Flash forward a few months past the holidays and just past the new year.
In February of this year I went to see a surgeon at MD Anderson. He spent a lot of time with me and had me outline everything I was unhappy with in my reconstruction. He made a list and went over everything he could or could not fix for me. Although I didn't really qualify for the clinical trial, he offered me a different surgery to replace my implants and 'build' me a new set of boobs - or breasts.
A DIEP Flap, or TRAM Flap, surgery would use my own abdominal muscles and fat to build a breast that feels more natural and more pliable. I could get back to my natural size that I was before breast cancer and I could even wear normal - and pretty - bras again. The surgery would also remove my silicone implants, so I wouldn't need to have additional surgeries to have them replaced every 10 years for the rest of my life. The Flap surgery is very extensive and would require a lot of time off work. The recovery is hard and it could take up to 2 years before I have my final results. Over the next few months, Dr. G. is going to monitor my diabetes and make sure I'm healthy enough for surgery before he gives the green light to schedule. This is fine with me, since I will need time to gather time off from work and make arrangements for getting to and from Houston as needed.
So now it's a few months later and I have my next follow up appointment with Dr. G. in June. I have a lot more questions to ask and will try to find out what expect from the surgery - before and after. I'm not sure how the rest of our visits together will go. He hasn't turned me away and he doesn't sound like he's given up on me yet. I'm trying not to put all my hope in him, but I do feel like this is my last resort. If he can't, or won't, help me, then I've run out of options to try.
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