Coming out of this round, I was knocked out from the start. I was too tired to go to work. I was too tired to focus on homework. I was too fatigued to keep up with my freelance job. I was almost too tired to just sit in my chair and knit or crochet.
I have great coworkers and managers that allow me to take as much time off as I need. I am thankful for their knowledge of the situation and their understanding. But I still feel guilty when I am not in my seat at work, doing my part. Everyday I'm out, I feel like I let them down. One day last week, I had to leave early when I began to feel feverish and weak. I felt so guilty for leaving 'my post', and felt like I let myself down for not being strong enough to push through.
In school, my teachers have been a great support and have helped me continue with my classes without missing crucial deadlines and helping me stay in the program. Several have granted me 'as needed' extensions on assignments when something comes up. While most times I try to stick to the schedule, like every regular student, this week I took several days to turn in an assignment that I should have done first. But every time I leaned over the keyboard to start typing, I pooped out and would just fall back into my recliner. I felt like somewhat of a failure since I couldn't focus or stay on track.
Lastly, I tried to get back into the freelance work I used to do and feel like I'm making a contribution to our household again. I was a risky worker before and often missed deadlines, so the owner took a chance and told me there were no more extensions, and she could cut me off. But I didn't listen. After chemo, I couldn't muster up the strength and energy to finish the assignment on time. I ended up having to forfeit the project, and lost the pay for it. Again, I feel like I've failed. I failed myself and I failed to not be useless.
I've never felt so beaten. Like no matter what I do, I can't overcome how I feel. Can't? Or won't maybe? Am I just making excuses?
I just feel sad. Sad that I'm tired. Sad that I'm fatigued. And partially because my sugars are dancing around right now. I think I need a taco.
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