Tales from the Flight of the Phoenix

That little voice inside my head is talking again.  The one that keeps saying I'm going to be one of the ones to relapse with breast cancer.  Or the type of breast cancer that moves to my liver or brain.

I have the worst luck in life.  I got cancer as a child - a rarer form of leukemia that usually hits adults.  Then I relapsed with it and had a low chance of survival.  Then, when I thought my life was in the clear and forever ridden of the word 'cancer' - I got breast cancer.  I'm not even 30 yet.

Everyone tells me to think positive.  Everyone tells me to look at the bright side.  Some of my doctors brush me off like they don't even want to think about it.  One doctor reassured me that we did a good job this time and if anything happens in the future, we'll just tackle it again in a different way.  This made me feel better because it's not the treatments I fear - it's the possibility I will run out of treatment options some day.  I'm not scared of getting cancer again and having to do chemo, or radiation or another surgery.  I know I can handle something like that again.

What scares me the most is getting cancer again and the doctor tells me that's it.  Whether it's a far stage or metastatic to a vital area - they'll just tell me there's nothing they can do.  No more treatments.  No more therapies.  No more surgeries.  They just let me die.

Of course I'm scared of dying.  What normal person isn't.  And I can't live with the thought in my head that this could be my last day on Earth.  Like if I go to sleep tonight will I wake up in the morning?  And as stupid as it sounds, it makes me depressed to think how my family would see me while I'm dying.  Mom or Jeremy would try to be strong and stay with me, but inside I know they'd be crushed and it's killing them too (in a different way).  Hell Jeremy may even break down with me - and I can't handle seeing him like that.

Ugh I know this is all just fear and speculation!  But I just want someone to say that my fears are validated, even if they are more likely unfounded.  Stop telling me to think positive or look on the bright side of things.  I did that for 17 years after leukemia and I was so sure my life was on the right track to normalcy.  I was so sure cancer was a word in my past.  But it's like God laughed at me and said 'Not today b*tch' and decided to strike me down again. 
Why do I have to do so many tests?!
Make someone else do it!

I'm gonna go eat some pizza and cry for a while.