When Dr. L., told me I would need a double mastectomy, I was all onboard. I was totally fine with it because I knew insurance would cover the reconstruction, and I knew that anything she took apart from surgery, I would just get back later. I've always been grateful to Dr. L. and Dr. A. have helped me not only get through all of this, but also help put this Humpty Dumpty back together again. As stupid as it sounds, for me, the reconstruction process helps me get back to feeling like myself and - on a tiny level - allows me to sometime pretend in the back of my mind that maybe none of this ever happened and I'm just a normal woman with nice boobs. But of course - that's not true. But even after all the chemo and surgeries and scars, I know it all comes back and my few fleeting moments of ignorance are gone.
Every woman I talk to has different views on reconstruction. Some say it's not worth it, while some say they do partial reconstruction while others - like me - go for the whole enchilada. And of course anyone that is considering it I always recommend Dr. A. But I recently spoke to a friend who has been a big inspiration to me and is always open to talking to me, which feels great. I gushed to her about how excited I am about reconstructing my boobs and how great Dr. A. is and everything. When I asked her what she was going to do, and she simply said she wanted to wait until she was comfortable with the way she was - after the surgery and after the treatments. She told me she had to be comfortable with herself and how she was now before she decided to do anything or herself. I admire her strength and her own self confidence, but was confused by her sentiment.
As said, I have my selfish reasons for wanting reconstruction and love thinking of how my new body will look after a year of plain crap I had to go through. When I came out of my mastectomy, my boobs looked like something out of Frankenstein and it took months before they started looking normal again. When I lost my hair, I cried for weeks, always kept my head covered and only showed my bald head to like 5 people. The whole time I knew I wasn't comfortable with the skin I was in and felt terrible at times. And while I felt like crap and cried at the disfigured thing I felt like I had become, I knew it was all temporary. I knew that no matter what horrible card I had been dealt now and God somehow felt I needed to handle at the time, none of it would last. I knew that someday this would all be past me and I would get back to being the self I want to be. So for me, choosing reconstruction and already dreaming about dying about my hair, is just something that makes me happy and makes me feel like getting through the 100-mile-journey of crap is just a bump in the road.
Besides talking about myself in this post, I am also thinking about my friend that is struggling with liking the skin she is in. I just want to tell her - you don't have to like it. You don't have to accept it. You can hate it and you can wish for something better. It's ok to hate the skin you are currently in and want to make it better. Whether it's through surgery, diet, exercise, fancy clothes, make up or whatever. Please don't feel like this current you is the only you can be.
The only thing that stays the same is that everything is always changing - and that includes us.
Do what makes you happy and makes you feel like yourself again.
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