But back to my hair. Everyone knows I don't have girly features and I don't wear make-up. In fact, with short hair I've been told I look like 3 other MEN in my family. I've been told I could pass for a butch lesbian. So without my feminine hair, no breasts and overall lumpy body, we can see where my negative views and outlook come from. But my caps can make me feel more 'pretty' and less manly - which is why I think I've become so attached to them during this whole process. And it's making it harder to let them go. Or am I not letting something else go? Clinging to something else as an excuse.
Every person I know will tell me that I'm beautiful and I look great. I know I am a beautiful person and have an outgoing personality that most people like, but it is not the same as being attractive, good-looking, or even flat out sexy. I've turned into a shallow person - because I want my flowing dyed red hair back I want my old breasts back and I want to smile confidently again without doubting if someone is trying to analyze me or question if I am sick.
I'm one tough cookie and always try to be the strong one wherever I go. I'm trying to be as strong as I was when I was a child with cancer; when I went everywhere without a head cover and didn't care who looked/stared/asked questions. I've lost some of that spunk as an adult, and find myself hiding behind baggy clothes and fancy caps. How do I get my old self back? Am I not as bold as I was as a child? Did I not learn anything from my first time around with cancer?
No comments:
Post a Comment