I read an article tonight on metastatic breast cancer and read about women who died within a few years after breast cancer and read about others who had a recurrence of breast cancer after 10 years or more. 10 or more years??! Now my breast cancer is not metastatic - for now? DCIS is still known to come back, but if I don't have ducts anymore for it to recur in, where will it go? To my lungs? To my brain? To my bones? Google is not your friend when you try to research these things online.
I wasn't scared when I was diagnosed with cancer a second time. I wasn't scared when I started chemo. Hell I wasn't even scared when I had the surgery. I was sad. Or worried. Or angry. Or frustrated. But I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel fear.
But tonight I do. I feel fear setting in.
I keep wondering if I'm meant to have cancer again some time in my life. Am I going to be one of the ones that has a relapse or recurrence? With leukemia, I never even thought of another relapse. Didn't even cross my mind. But breast cancer relapse is running through my brain and it's creating all sorts of "what if" scenarios. God seems to have such brilliant plans for my life - is he trying to tell me I'm not going to live past the age of 40? Am I going to start waking up and thinking "This could be the day I get cancer again" or even more depressing "Is this the day I'm going to die from _______?".
So if I'm meant to relapse within so many years, I can't help but feel like wondering what the point of fighting now is. I busted my ass to get through chemo and a double mastectomy (that has more complications through healing) - and for what? To live in fear the rest of my life? To keep wondering if this is finally the end? Wondering if I finally get to be a normal person now.
Everyone thinks I'm strong and that I am so courageous. Most of the time I can fill those shoes, and make every think I'm doing ok. But nights like tonight - I'm not ok. I feel like I'm crumbling into pieces and not sure how to hold myself together. I'm so anxious about the future, but I can't afford to dwell on that right now. And the fact that I can't dwell on it, or even talk to someone about it because they'll just tell me I'm over reacting, just makes it feel worse.
I try to suppress the fear. I let myself feel angry. Or sad. Or hurt. Or tired. But not fear. That's one emotion I haven't learned to control yet.
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